POTATO MOON, Part 45: “From Out in Left Field” by Matthew “Yotsuyasan” Atanian

“Why, to be my Queen!” the man exclaimed.

With that, he threw back his hood and indeed shed his entire cloak. Bela was startled to find his visage was not at all hideous as she had imagined. Indeed, she found him rather handsome. That his ears were decidedly not symmetrical with each other only added to his considerable charm. She marveled at the chiseled cut of his deep blue colored business suit as the moonlight sparkled off of his glasses in the most alluring fashion. In one hand, he gently tossed a golden potato in a most casual fashion.

Thoughts of any other love she had ever had ran in terror from the recesses of both her mind and her heart as she beheld the stranger before her. “But… who are you?” She asked. “Queen? But you’re not Quayle.”

The man laughed heartily. “Quayle was but a red herring, my dear! As was Dukakis, and Cheney, Yukon Gold, and all of the others. All of this has been one giant chess match orchestrated by me, to distract Edwood and Jakob and to get them out of the way. And to bring you to me. You, the perfect woman. The one to finally replace the lost Charlene.”

With that he laughed more, a laugh so light hearted and charming that Bela swooned, her heart filled with a laughing laughter that laughs at those who laugh last. “Please, sir,” she said, her eyes soaking in the sight of the man as if they were made of ShamWows and he was a particularly large spill. “Please tell me…”

The man gazed at her questioningly until she spoke again.

“Who are you?” she asked breathlessly. At least she tried to do so, but no sound came out. Then she realized that one actually needs air in one’s lungs in order to speak, and so she took in a breath. “Who are you?” she now successfully inquired.

“I am,” he said, pausing briefly for effect, “the One True Potato. I am he who controls all others. I am the potato puppet master. And with you by my side, my love, we can defeat the evil Darth Stewart and take our rightful places as the rulers of the Multiverse.”

“I am,” and again he paused meaningfully, causing Bela to swoon once more, “Stephen Colbert.”

With that, the author of this particular chapter pondered that he had just passed four hundred words, and he’d better come up with a suitable cliff-hanger with which to flummox the poor sod assigned with the next chapter. And he’d better do so now, least he exceed the decreed limit of five hundred! And so he wracked his brain for a moment, thinking of famous cliff-hangers from ages past. And then an idea came upon him. An idea so ludicrous that he knew he must use it!

And then the sun went nova. The end.

No, no, no. Not that, this:

Suddenly a noise penetrated into the tree-cottage. Bela and Colbert looked out of the window, out into the field to the left. Several objects were approaching.

And with a start, the author realized that he had exceeded five hundred, but he was close to the finish anyway, so he paid it no further mind and plodded on ahead.

At first the objects were too distant to see clearly, but as they moved menacingly closer their forms began to become clear. There were maybe about a hundred of the things. They were roughly cylindrical in shape, but wider at the bottom then they were at the top. The lower halves of them were covered in bumps. They each had three appendages, one at the front of the dome they were each topped with that almost seemed like some sort of camera lens at the end of a stalk, and two lower down just above where the bumps stopped. One of the lower ones looked disturbingly like a plunger.

“Oh no!” Stephen Colbert exclaimed, pulling from his pocket what looked strangely like some sort of hilt with no sword attached to it. “I’m being attacked by a space monster!” He flicked a switch, and with a humming sound a shaft of red light sprung from the hilt and extended fourth about a meter.

And to their ears the wind carried voices that came from the approaching objects. For indeed they were some sort of metal creatures. They spoke in a shrill monotone, repeating one word over and over and over…

“Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!”

13 comments on “POTATO MOON, Part 45: “From Out in Left Field” by Matthew “Yotsuyasan” Atanian

  1. (blinks)

    Those poor, poor Daleks. They don’t stand a chance.

    Are we SURE this isn’t crossing a line somewhere?

    1. I saw that line, and I leapt over it!
      .

      Anyway, the Dalek cliff-hanger was actually something I had in mind as far back as when I sent in my, “I want in!” e-mail, before Chapter 1 even existed. I was thinking, “What’s a good example of a cliff-hanger? Well, Doctor Who was famous for them back in the day. And what would be the best way to pay homage to that? ‘Exterminate!'”

      .
      The Colbert, though… that came in while reading the earlier chapters, particularly the ones with the adversaries being various political figures. I said to myself, “This story needs the Colbert Bump.” So as I was coming up to my chapter, I kept thinking, “How to introduce him?” Gave me a bit of an in when the previous chapter’s cliff-hanger involved an unnamed new person… just had to do a quick retcon on the “hideous” thing, but I’m sure it’s not the worst bump this sordid tale has suffered or shall suffer!

      .
      Look forward to the next bit to see what happens from here!

      1. There’s just one problem… She didn’t mention that he must have had thousands of girlfriends.

    1. That’s fighting dirty.

      Although, really, if there’s anyone who deserves it…

  2. Daleks?!?!?! Now we got Daleks?!?!?! And a faux Sith Lord?!?!?!?!?!

    I like it!!!!!!!!

      1. I’ll admit that I’ve had a tab with this webpage on it open in my browser for quite some time now with periodic usage of the refresh button to no avail… I am rather curious what will happen next and hope I haven’t somehow inadvertantly brought things to a screeching halt!

    1. Remember when you guys were asking me to put up the names of the people who were due next? Remember when I said that I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to embarrass people if they failed to meet the challenge?
      .
      In the last two days, one never responded to my emails, and the other flat out forgot.
      .
      Anyway, the new installment is up and it’s only loopier.
      .
      PAD

  3. >With that, the author of this particular chapter pondered that he had just passed four hundred words, and he’d better come up with a suitable cliff-hanger with which to flummox the poor sod assigned with the next chapter.
    BRILLIANT!

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