POTATO MOON, Part 35: “The Back-Ups,” by Ronald Savage

potato_moonUpon Yukon Gold’s command, a pair of figures seemed to appear amongst the gathering as if out of thin air. Both were powerfully built black men with clean-shaven heads and impressively full and well-kept goatees. At first glance, one might have thought them twins, and one would have been right. But it wasn’t their skin color and grooming habits alone that would lead one to think that the pair had once been womb-mates. (I know, old joke, couldn’t resist.) The ridiculous nature of their garb helped hammer the fact home.

Both men were dressed in matching black khakis and beige turtleneck sweaters, with only one distinguishing feature between the two of them. In order to tell them apart, Yukon Gold had seen fit to have their names embroidered in dark brown letters across their chests. And even though Edwood, Something and Woeisme could plainly read the big block font, Yukon Gold still announced with a flourish, “Allow me to introduce you to Chip and Spud, my Home Fries!”

“Wait a minute,” the one called Chip said, “Your what?”

“Home Fries?” Spud interjected. “What the hëll’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well…um…it’s just that…” Yukon Gold sputtered. “It’s a play on words. You know, like how you people sometimes call each other homies? So I thought…”

“Whoa, you people?” Chip bellowed.

It was at that moment that Edwood quietly and without Yukon Gold’s notice, chucked a thumb over his sequined shoulder, thereby giving Something and Woeisme the universal sign for ‘Let’s-get-the-hëll-out-of-here-because-this-is-about-to-get-ugly’.

“And another thing,” Spud said while moving menacingly toward Yukon Gold, “What the hëll does ‘back-up henchmen’ mean anyway? By definition, being henchmen means that we back you up.”

“So what does that make us?” Chip asked. “Back-up to your back-up?”

“Well not exactly,” Yukon Gold said as he slowly backed away from the impending beatdown. “I simply misspoke.”

“You know what,” Chip said to Spud, “This is bull. I don’t care how bad the economy is doing right, we don’t need to get paid this badly.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Spud agreed. “No amount of green is worth our self respect. Let’s just go home to New York and go back to being Percy and Francis Hicks, certified public accountants.”

And with that, the brothers sealed the deal with high five and a man hug. (And by brothers I mean actual fraternal siblings and not…well, you know.) It was a tender moment, until…

“Your real names are Percy and Francis?” Yukon Gold snickered.

Had he been given the chance, Yukon Gold’s snickering would have become full-blown laughter in a matter of seconds. But he found that a pair of 2XXL turtlenecks shoved down one’s throat goes a long way toward quelling such notions.

With his former back-up henchmen gone and the trio of youngsters having quietly fled the scene, Yukon Gold found himself alone in the silent, dark woods. But that silence was shattered by a peculiar sound.

“Moooo?”

4 comments on “POTATO MOON, Part 35: “The Back-Ups,” by Ronald Savage

  1. Very nicely done. How long have you waited to punch holes in that particular action film set piece?

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