POTATO MOON, Part 25 by Matt “Ampersand” Duarte

potato_moonJakob was filled with nerves and a primal fear of getting anywhere close to Ðìçk Cheney while still looking like a were-chicken, which just happens to look astonishingly similar to a monster-sized quail.

He struggled to change back to his human, or at least a shape close enough to it, form as he spoke out…

“How could you possibly go up against Quayle, the Potato King? You don’t have that sort of power!”

Ðìçk Cheney snickered loudly in only a way Ðìçk Cheney knows how, guttural and terrible, frightening and sublime. Every newborn baby in a twenty mile radius went blind, all the livestock in that same area fell under a mysterious disease, and thunder crackled in the distance announcing a coming storm. The group did not learn of all this until a later date, but it wasWoeisme that, in act of mixed discomfort and despair, interrupted the snicker that seemed to go on for an eternity.

“Jakob, you clearly don’t know Ðìçk!” she said in a manner that was just a tad louder than she intended.

Jakob felt a rising shame within his body, his ignorance had come to light yet again in what seemed to be the tenth or twentieth time this evening. He did not know how long he could stand for such disgrace, soon he would have to grow a spine or be crushed under the weight of the harsh words that everyone tossed his way. “Then again,” he thought “growing a spine sounds awfully painful, but getting crushed is kind of like getting a a very exotic massage. Speaking of that, I could go for a massag…”

“I have a special weapon” said Ðìçk Cheney interrupting Jakob’s aimless internal monologue “that can hurt even Quayle, The Potato King. Have you seen the movie Eraser with Arnold Schwarzenegger?”

“No” quickly replied Woeisme, who had not even been born when the movie came out.

“No” answered Edwood in his ever monotonous voice, who disliked action movies because they involved too much action and not enough girls falling in love with vampires.

“Nope” lied Jakob, who had actually seen and enjoyed the movie, but was just trying to imitate Edwood’s sense of detachment for big Hollywood blockbuster flicks.

“Yes! It was awesome” shouted Bela, calling all eyes and ears to her. In reality, she had not seen it, but she was tired of everyone else getting the spotlight, and no one fighting over her attention.

“Well, it’s just like the weapon in that movie, except instead of shooting aluminum rounds at the speed of lights, this one was modified and mixed with a high-caliber spud gun!” exclaimed a rather jovial Cheney. He reached for the gun, almost the size of an 18th century cannon and explained “I always carry my trusty shotgun with me, but when it is time to teach a lesson, I thank the Army boys for creating this beauty! It shoots full-sized, fully-cooked and properlycondimented baked potatoes at Mach-3 with pinpoint accuracy!”

Cheney shot a warning shot into the air, with a loud boom and the smell of delicious potato filling the sky. The spud reached the lower atmosphere almost instantaneously, and exploded in flurry golden butter, thick sour cream, crispy bacon and melting cheese (that would act as Napalm should the need arise).

“NOOOO!” wailed Jakob. He could not stand in the face of the wanton destruction of beautiful potatoes that very much reminded him of his beloved Bela. Quickly changing to his werewolf shape, he got a hold of Ðìçk Cheney’s gun and grabbed Bela’s waist. Sadly, Jakob’s first act of true bravery, was followed by his natural instinct of cowardice, as he escaped the manor, and ran into the forest with his were-tail in between his were-legs. He had not let go of either Bela or the highly destructive potato gun, but his abrupt yet valiant act at least would give him some quality time with Bela. Bela, on the other hand, looked at him sternly. Jakob had a bad feeling about what was going to come out of her mouth next, and was already regretting the decision to actually make a decision.

3 comments on “POTATO MOON, Part 25 by Matt “Ampersand” Duarte

  1. An Eraser reference? That’s absolutely genius. And I love how Jakob is realising he’s been out of the loop, like, 20 times.

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