Originally published May 22, 1992
Words can be dangerous and tricky things, open to all sorts of reactions that one never anticipates.
No matter how long this column has been around, that’s a fact of life that I’m reminded of with amazing frequency. Yet the most recent reminder of that truism came to me, not as a result of this column, but from Marvel Comics.
Of the two major comics publishers, Marvel–for more than a decade now–has been the more conservative when it comes to language. At DC you can pretty much get away with “hëll” and “dámņ” with regularity. At Marvel, “hëll” is occasionally tolerated if used tactfully, and “dámņ” never is.
And, of course, some words are verboten at both companies. Fortunately, in the liberal realm of Krause publications, you can freely use such words as s[bleep] and f[bleep], and even the dreaded m[bleeeeep]er.
But with all the unwanted PR Marvel’s been getting lately–and with all the attention that’s paid to non-editorial influences as the stock market or big shot chain stores–it appears that language restrictions are tightening up even further. With various creators boasting of how great it is that they can say or do anything in their own titles, now is precisely the worst time for any major publisher to get more restrictive–yet that’s precisely what’s going on.
(And who knows? It was right at the release of the first ”Batman” film that Warner went anal on DC, so maybe they’ll get jumpy, too.)
In an idealized world, the only thing that should matter in editing a story is if it makes sense editorially. But we live in a world where Marvel actually got a letter several years ago (I saw it myself) in which a woman wrote in angrily about a villain saying, “I SHALL DESTROY YOU AS EASILY AS I WOULD FLICK AN INSECT OFF MY SHOULDER” because she misread the “L” and “I” in “FLICK” and thought it was a “U.” Despite the fact that any reasonable in-context reading would have tipped her to what was being said, instead she wrote in and demanded to know how Marvel could be publishing such filth.
It’s such an old gag that you shouldn’t use “FLICK” and, for that matter, not name a character “CLINT” (and, consequently, the name “CLINT FLICKER” is definitely a no-no) that you don’t expect it to crop up in real life.
But Marvel is now trying to anticipate all possibilities, and as a result, things can get a little…strange.
Now keep in mind that this isn’t censorship. Marvel can publish, or not publish, whatever they want. Nor am I especially upset about it, because it’s just words, and there’s always plenty of words.
But even so…
In an upcoming issue of “Hulk,” set in Las Vegas, I had a sequence where the Punisher was trailing someone, got spotted, and his van was rammed and knocked over. The Punisher bursts out the back of his van, guns cradled in either arm, and announces loudly, “Somebody just çráppëd out.”
Now my dictionary lists the term “crap out” as “to make a losing throw in the game of craps” and, in slang parlance, “to fail.” The sequence took place in Vegas, remember…gambling capital of America (with all deference to Atlantic City). No reasonable person could possibly think, in context, that I was doing anything more than making a pun off of a popular Las Vegas dice game. Certainly I wasn’t intending anything beyond that.
But the line of dialogue, after initially being accepted, was kicked back.
Why?
Because of alternate meanings of the word “çráppëd”…none of which had crossed my mind when I wrote it, but might occur to that woman who complained about “flicked,” or others like her. Then, of course, there’s concern that some chain store manager is going to get a copy of “Hulk” shoved in his face by some parent who decided to ignore the context so they could complain loudly about the filth in their kid’s reading matter.
Well!
What a fix for a publisher to be in. What great sympathy this must elicit from the hearts of all writers, commiserating with Marvel’s braintrust over the unenviable task of trying to anticipate every possible shade of meaning to every word in every Marvel comic.
But take heart, Marvel. I’m here to help.
I’m always being asked by would-be writers what it takes to write for Marvel. Certainly if I, who have been at this full-time for over five years, can fail to perceive buzzwords or phrases, then newcomers would have even more problems. Think of the valuable editorial time wasted on reviewing key words and phrases that could possibly offend.
Here, then, are various words and situations that, on the face of them, would seem to be harmless. But they are, in fact, landmines of alternate meanings, and should be avoided–not just by novices, but by experienced professionals.
1) “Çráppëd out” we already know about. Likewise, avoid referring to the edible North American freshwater fish called “Çráppìëš”; do not refer to someone who has eaten himself sick as suffering from “crapulence,” and do not use the term “crapshooter” since it might be interpreted as a slam at the editor of the Valiant line.
2) Do not, under any circumstance, name anyone “Ðìçk.” If you already have a character named Ðìçk–Ðìçk Grayson, for example–and he has a sizeable amount of money on him, do not refer to that as a “Ðìçk Wad.”
3) Do not have anyone çøçk a fist. Do not have a sequence set in a barnyard wherein you refer to a crowing çøçk.
In sequences set in restaurants, do not have anyone toss around çøçk and bull stories while eating cockaleekie soup.
If their ship is sinking, do not have them leap into a cockboat. Even if they’re certain they’ll survive, do not have them be cocksure, and just to play it safe, don’t have some guy who’s the çøçk of the walk discussing the works of Jean Cocteau.
4) Even if your character is ankle deep in a basement flooding with water, do not say that he’s having problems with his plumbing. Do not refer to him having to deal with any sort of leak (especially don’t use the word “taking” in conjunction.)
5) Do not, under any circumstance, have anyone eat shiitake mushrooms.
6) Despite the fact that the wood of this particular tre was used to make the ark of the Tabernacle, make no reference whatsoever to the šhìŧŧáh tree.
7) Don’t bother coming up with a mutant team called “X-Crement.” Better men than you have already tried it.
8) Never describe two characters as walking abreast. Don’t have them keeping abreast of a situation. Don’t have them, if ordering chicken in a restaurant, state a preference for breasts…or thighs, for that matter. Actually, legs aren’t too good an idea, either. Have them order wings. That’s safe. Set all chicken-eating sequences in Buffalo, New York.
9) Don’t have a character compliment a female grocer on her nice melons. If a female is selling a car, don’t make reference to her showing a car with a nice set of headlights. In sequences set in stereo equipment stores, don’t make reference to “woofers” or “tweeters” if females are present. In fact, just to be sure, if males are present, don’t mention “equipment.”
10) Do not have a female character emphasize a point by ending with the phrase, “Period.”
11) If a man is wielding a very formidable gun, do not have another character comment that he’s got his hands on a really nice piece.
12) Do not call anyone an ášš, even if they have fur and make loud braying noises. For that matter, don’t have anyone assimilate, never assume, and never assure.
13) Don’t have a character lay about, lay a foundation, lay a claim, or lay an egg.
14) Don’t have someone “queer a deal.” Similarly, don’t have a character who smokes light a fág, and don’t have them describe being exhausted as being “fággëd out.”
15) Don’t draw the faces of religious musicians onto comic book covers, and don’t write stories insulting Native Americans…neither of which has anything to do with the topic at hand, but it’s generally good advice.
16) Don’t describe a character as frolicing in “gay abandon” unless you’re prepared to appear on CNN.
17) If someone’s vacuuming, do not have another character admiring the vacuum cleaner by saying, “Boy, that really sucks.”
18) Do not depict a wine and cheese party wherein a character offers to cut the cheese.
19) Do not have a deli owner bang his bologna or sling his salami.
20) And whatever you do…under no circumstance–and this will get you fired, I guarantee–under no circumstance should you [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppppppppppppppppppp].
(Peter David, writer of stuff, invites anyone else to come up with things that he might have missed, to be run in future columns. But remember…keep it clean.)
• 
What, are we back in fifth grade? Does Marvel actually think they’re writing for casual fans who pick up stuff in the drug store? (Remembering that I picked up my first copy of The Savage Sword of Conan in the drug store….)
Anyway. Under no circumstances should anything be written involving a German baroness, chrome, and a fender.
Check the date, Tom. 1992. They’ve gotten better since then. But there’s endless stories like this, in every arm of the media.
Has Clint Flicker been used?
Not that I recall. However, it’s interesting to note that DC had a new character named “Flicker” showing up in Green Lantern just a couple of months before this article saw print (See GREEN LANTERN (1990), circa #20)
Not that I recall. However, it’s interesting to note that DC had a new character named “Flicker” showing up in Green Lantern just a couple of months before this article saw print (See GREEN LANTERN (1990), circa #20).
And then came Garth Ennis.
(And that was a GOOD thing.)
Which reminds me – i remember a “Hitman” story about when monaghan and Nat the Hat were in the Marines together, and the sergeant got Very Very Cranky at them, and his word ballon consisted mainly of the words “Not even if this were Vertigo” (or words to that effect).
I recall another story (perhaps being reprinted soon) where you wanted Hulk to use the phrase “How’s yer hammer hanging” to, I believe The Abomination. It was bounced back, and you had to settle for “How’s it hanging?” which is not terribly less scatological, really.
Maybe it was Thor the line was to be addressed to, I forget. That would have been funnier.
As I mentioned in another thread, I think far more things are banned/censored/redacted/edited because of fear THAT someone would be offended, rather than actual offense.
At a birthday party for a coworker that we had several years ago at an Italian restaurant, I advised the guest of honor, if she wanted to order penne pasta, to remember to emphasize the double-n in the word, or else it would sound like pene, which in Italian, is probably something she wouldn’t want to ask her waiter to give her, lest he look at her funny, or worse, actually give it to her.
I joked to her, saying, “Hey, waiter, c’mon, it is her birthday after all!” She cracked up, but I think she got the point. 🙂
The story goes (I don’t know how true it is) that, in the old Timely days, when Stan Lee first started Millie The Model, her photographer/love interest was named Flicker Harris. By the third issue, his name had mysteriously changed to Clicker Harris, allegedly because some of the print run had smudged due to wear on the plates and the L and the I in his first name ran together. After that, Stan wouldn’t allow the word “Flick” in his comics – – or more likely Martin Goodman wouldn’t allow it.
One of my favorite CBG pieces. Wow, that was in 1992? I’ve been laughing at the name Clint Flicker for 17 years. I’m so grown up that way.
Thank you, Peter. Or is that too suggestive by 1992 Marvel standards? Thank you, Mr. David.
Ahh, memories….this was the first “But I Digress…” column I ever read, after connecting with a fellow comics fan who passed his CBG copies to me when he was done wih them.
I’ve actually cited this article on a message board, as a possible explanation for why the word “slick” was being bleeped by the site’s filters; when typed in all caps in the board’s customary font, the L and I together resemble a U, and “suck” was also on the censored list.
Chuck
I admit I missed the initial publication date, Vince. But I keep up enough on stuff, and I maintain my initial conclusion stands. I’ve seen way, way too many things done for shock value, or to come as close to shock value as they dare get without getting Focus On The Family or somesuch down on ’em.
Vinnie, not Vince. I can’t even frickin’ read today. :-7
Junk? As in the junk in her trunk or she kicked him in his junk.
PAD, I refuse to believe that the “çráppìņg out” line was inadvertent. You are the man who put a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple eater into Star Trek. You had Jean-Luc Picard, in reference to Starfleet Academy, say that he could never imagine himself heading up a school of such gifted youngsters. You had Thor — Marvel’s version of Thor — kill someone on a Star Trek holodeck. You had an accountant slip a mickey to King Arthur, leading up to the line that he was “poisoned by an adder.” You named Guinan’s alternate universe counterpart “Caren Johnson.”
You, sir, have no sense of shame in matters like this. It is utterly inconceivable that you would put in a line like “çráppëd out” without a single ulterior motive.
Now I need to track down more of your Hulk work…
J.
Heh.
George Carlin: “I got fired from a gig in Las Vegas. I got fired for saying ‘šhìŧ’ on stage. I got fired for saying ‘šhìŧ’ on stage in a joint that makes most of its money off a game called ‘crap’.”
Several years ago, I was hosting in a trivia chatroom where it was accepted practice for the hosts to type in caps, to help distinguish ourselves (or at least the questions) from the regular chat. One of the regulars had “Ladybug” in her screenname, and I always greeted her with “BugLady! *flicks*”
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Which was great right up until the first time she came in whilst I was hosting, and I greeted her as usual… in caps. The room just *stopped*, and of course I’m desperately wishing people would chat so that my comment would scroll off-screen.
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This memory, of course, makes what the letter-writer thought she read all the funnier…
Oh, and don’t forget about taking a shih-tzu anywhere.
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Am I the only one who wants to read a PAD story incorporating as many of these ideas as possible?
You missed 1) Never have someone pet the nice old lady’s pussy-cat. Nor should Puss-in-Boots be drawn as Nancy Sinatra. Avoid nursery rhymes such as “Pussy’s in the Well” and “Ride a Çøçk Horse” 2) Be careful not to incorporated birds such as the Tufted Titmouse, the Blue Tit, the Great Tit and, Gods forbid, the Blue-footed Bøøbÿ. And never, no matter what the size of the bird’s beak or how strange a deformity, have a character state, “Will you look at the peck** on that!” 3)I suppose the opposite danger to vacuums is the hair dryer, the sole job of which is to blow. Hard. And usually hot. 4) Run to your major grocery chain and look on the foreign foods aisle. Next to the packet of Jamaican Çøçk Soup, you may see a can of Heinz Spotted Ðìçk. This is a British food, not an STD. Best stay away from that altogether.
Didn’t Disney have a bug character named Flick?
… Now I wanna run up and watch “A Bug’s Life” with captions…
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Nevermind, I just checked IMDb, and it’s “Flik,” which is rather less amusing. Darn!
It’s really funny because for instance here in France some comics code authaurized comics had problems with censorship here in France in the 70’s and 80’s because they were… too violent.
But language has never been a problem. Even in prime-time TV programs it’s always been tolerated here to say f… or sh.. or any other word
I wonder if anyone younger than myself is even aware that ‘sucks’ was once considered obscene. That word has had the fastest rehabilitation of any I can think of. It was routinely bleeped on TV into the early ’80s (though it was heard occasionally since the late ’70s), but within a decade it had become tame enough for some kid’s shows. Scatological humour in kid’s entertainment made an equal turnaround about the same time. It went from highly taboo to routine quite suddenly.
Has anyone noticed that ‘dámņ’ and ‘hëll’ appeared somewhat often in Marvel stories in the ’70s, before disappearing almost completely through the entire ’80s and into the early ’90s?