Jakob Blaq sat on his porch, contemplating the potato in his russet hand. He could hear the sounds of the baseball game his father was watching inside, and his father’s shouts over the TV.
The moon shone down upon him, casting shadows on the potato that caused it to resemble a girl. A very certain girl. This certain girl happened to be Bela to whom he was not speaking at the moment.
“Bela,” he hissed.
The potato had captured her face perfectly. “Bela, would that I could devour you as easily as this potato.” Jakob lifted the potato up in front of the moon. It blocked out the hovering orb. She was vaster than the moon, was this potato Bela. He took a bite.
“Great,” he thought aloud, “there must be something deeply symbolic with me taking a bite out of a potato that looks like Bela.” He threw the potato behind him. A crash resounded resoundingly as the potato shattered the window. His father shouted from within.
Jakob stood up and walked towards the forest. “This would be a good time to get away,” he thought aloud once more. “How about I walk to the Sullen manor and see my love?” He would have to avoid her seeing him. But that would be no problem. She was probably busy with Edwood, anyway. Edwood, the love of her life. The love of his life. The loves of each other’s lives.
He knew that he should stay away from her. Nothing was to gained and everything was to be lost. Or was there anything really to be lost? What was he if he could not press his russet lips against her strong yet supple mouth? His passion for her consumed him as only a consuming passion could, and despite the fact that her name had no letter “S” in it to allow for sibilance, he yet again hissed, “Bela…” He felt anger toward her for making him feel this way, but suppressed it so that his wolfy side would not be unleashed.
Besides…was his love truly Bela? Was his adoration for her still genuine, or was it simply a faint shadow calling to him, reminding him that he was now newly in love with Bela’s daughter, Woeisme? Woeisme, who was only eight years old but growing unnaturally fast, which meant that soon he could stop feeling like a pedophile and instead be fully in love with her. And once she was old enough, she could in turn marry and have another mystic child, and Jakob could then be in love with her.
That was when he heard it. Something moving through the forest. Something that was not him.
Awesome start!
“A crash resounded resoundingly”
Well, the style seems to be bang on.
Huh. I didn’t even notice that (consciously).
Is his hand russet, or is the Potato Russet? ^_^
Reminds me of a line from an old “Darkwing Duck” episode (strangely enough, about Vampire Potatos
): “Russets… They’s just plain mean!”
You just KNOW there’s a publisher out there stroking its chin and thinking “yeahhhh…PARODY…”
And the greatest vampire vegetable joke ever was the third title of the Bunnicula books – “The Celery Stalks at Midnight”
My favourite punning book title has got to be one of the ones Charles M. Grant wrote under the name “Lionel Fenn” – itself a play on words – one of a series in which a character has been transformed into a very grumpy talking duck:
.
“The Web of Defeat”.
Then there was the (IIRC) Frederic Brown short-short about the vampire on a world of sentient vegetables. He was killed by putting a steak through the vampires heart…
Awesome stuff.
Kudos. Ariel, for a great start… wiping tears of laughter as I type…
“A crash resounded resoundingly as the potato shattered the window.”
Standing ovation for Ariel. I still don’t know if I should jump on board because I haven’t got the slightest idea what the book/film is all about, but this great start is really tempting me…
Nor do i – but i’ve already turned my installment
This is so win.
Bravo!
It seems like it was written by someone who is barely passing 10th grade Comp. From what I could stand to read of Stephanie Meyer, I’d say that’s just about perfect. It takes some degree of talent to imitate the voice of a talentless hack. Nice job. C+.
I have taught 10th grade Comp, Phoenix, and you clearly have not seen the dreck that counts for “passing.” I shudder to think about it.
This, on the other hand, is comedy gold.
Oh, wow. This is gonna be fun.
I sent my “I want in” e-mail yesterday.
That has got to be…the silliest thing I’ve read in at least a year. Hilarious. Brava, Ariel!
I don’t know the original, is it about a shemale? Because Bela is a male name. I get the Béla Lugosi and Ed Wood reference but why is it a girl’s name here?
I saw the movie (my girlfriend rented it b/c she knows I enjoyed Buffy and thought that I’d like it). I was not entranced, but remember a little, despite my best efforts
a) The female (human) lead is Bella (which, to the ear alone, is actually a bit androgyness as far as names go)
b) The male vampire love interest is Edward
c) Jacob (a werewolf) is pining for Bella
In short, all the names are parodies of the characters from the original
[...] Phillies Nation added an interesting post on Potato Moon: Part 1 by Ariel David (and her dad)Here’s a small excerptHe could hear the sounds of the baseball game his father was watching inside, and his father’s shouts over the TV. The moon shone down upon… [...]
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
This is wonderful. Can’t wait for the next part!
Oh, the bar is set high.
Wonderful stuff.
Great job, as ever!
Bravo! I can’t wait for the next installment!
I am a huge fan of the books, and I was laughing soooo hard. This is awesome! I can’t wait to read more of this!
Ye gads!!! My eyes teared up tearfully!!!!
[...] There is also currently a parody in the making. Which LadySybilla says time after time omg it’s so awesome I’m famous!!!! And not butthurt at all!!!! [...]
I love the part where he tosses the potato over his shoulder and it just crashes. That and the bit: “His passion for her consumed him as only a consuming passion could”
“and despite the fact that her name had no letter ‘S’ in it to allow for sibilance, he yet again hissed, ‘Bela…’ “
This line had me literally laughing out loud.
This installment was so dreadfully awful it was hilarious! Well done, Davids. I’m off to read the next installments…
[...] are our previous posts about Russet Noon. And here is Peter David’s spoof-o-rama in [...]
Sweet as a potato. Great job.
“Woeisme, who was only eight years old but growing unnaturally fast, which meant that soon he could stop feeling like a pedophile and instead be fully in love with her. ” Oh yes. You put your thumb on something there. Snort. Snort snort snort.
I just cant stop to read this post again and again , thank you and I bookmarked you