Names you feel sorry for, Episode 1

Posted By: Peter DavidPosted On:

An irregular feature for this blog that I’m instituting here: As someone who had a name that high schoolers thought was hysterically funny for some dámņëd reason, I will occasionally take note of individuals who probably suffered more in high school than I did.

The first winner:

HUNTER PENCE.

A rookie outfielder for the Houston Astros, I think we can surmise that this is someone who never wanted to enter the armed forces, the police force, or become a commercial airline pilot, for fear of achieving the rank of “Captain.” Because that would make him (say it out loud) Captain Hunter Pence.

What the hëll were his parents thinking? Of all first names to link to a name like Pence. What, “Tup’ Pence was taken? How many times did this poor devil get called “Underpants” throughout his school career? We’ll probably never know. He may well have become an athlete just so he’d be big and strong enough to beat the crap out of kids who made fun of him.

PAD

144 comments on “Names you feel sorry for, Episode 1”

  2. On a somewhat more serious note, the principal of a Catholic school in Australia refused to enrol a child because of his “diabolical” surname, Hëll. He is Max Hëll, the son of an Austrian immigrant (the German adjective “hëll” means ‘light’ or ‘bright’, depending on the context); as a compromise measure his father offered to register his son under the mother’s maiden name, but later thought better of it and now will move to another town…

    Link for the full story:
    http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=277536

  4. On a less serious note, British Rail once had a chairman called Sir Peter Parker.

    Re. Batman: There’s also a city in Turkey called Batman and at least one restaurant named after the same.

  5. Combining names solely on the basis of attendance called in my college accounting class… alphabetically, Gina got called before Bill, by the teacher who only used last names: Kort, Law.

  6. My younger brother had a girl in his class named Heavenly Young.
    Then there were three sisters named: Tee, Toy and Ty. And, no, they weren’t triplets (Toy was my age)!

  7. My original first name was Tigger. As in Winnie the Pooh and Tigger too (my parents were teen aged hippies). Now think for a second about all of the things that ryme with Tigger that start with the letter N. The black kids would affectionately say “Tigger My” in front of it. The white kids would use an emphasized “THE” if front of the word your thinking of.

    When I was 12 my Dad finally let me change my name to Brian. By the way, his name is Kermit and I had an Uncle named Barny.

  9. I’ve one read the last 20 or so postings here so I appologize if this has been mentioned.

    I’ve heard that George Forman named his four sons:

    George, Jr.
    George III
    George IV and
    George V

    There are so many things that could be said about this by someone more clever than me, but I’ll just say that he’d better hope that none of those kids turn out to be good boxers.

  10. One of my good friends for most of my life has the first name of Coke (he’s actually Coke, Jr.). He has endured so many Coke jokes over the years (Coke comes in a can for 35 cents), and when Coke Classic and New Coke came out, his friends had a field day.

    Karen (I’ve only had one person come up with an annoying nickname for me, and she was trying to be nice. No, I won’t tell you what it is.)

  11. I went to school with a Ricky Icke (pronounced “Icky”). There was a Helen Markuardt (“mark-wart’). I always thought her name sounded like a ball bearing being dropped in oil.

  12. Markwart (variants include Markward, Marquard, Markwort) is a fairly common German name meaning “boundary-guard” – the two elements of the name are related to the English words “march/mark” and “ward(en)” (exported and re-imported to and from French in the word “guard”). “Markwart” is also the Low German name of the Jay, referring to that bird’s screeching out when someone approaches its territory.

  13. 1 haven’t had time to read all the posts in this thread yet. Has anybody mentioned the anti-American Canadian head of the World Anti-Doping Agency, Ðìçk Pound?

  14. “I’ll just say that he’d better hope that none of those kids turn out to be good boxers.”

    Or a decent Jetson.

  15. One of the actors in 4400 has a very strange first name, I think its Mahershalalhishbaz, but I’m not sure of the spelling.

  16. I was almost sad how grateful a former co-worker was when I actually asked how her last name (Boehner) was pronounced (Bay-ner) before trying to use it.

    -Rex Hondo-

  17. One question before I crash for the evening that kinda ties several threads together.

    If three girls went into a Long Island school dressed as Hunter Pence, would they get sent home?

    (I really shouldn’t let my mind wander when I worked in high-90’s weather outside all day. Or any other time, to be honest.)

  18. I work at a hospital in the emergency department also, but the best name came from a photographer that occasionally displayed his craft in the hallways.
    Ðìçk Whips Photography
    Thankfully his favorite subject was nature.

    My daughter has a girl in her school with the last name of “pisupati” pronounced, and I kid you not in the least, Piss-a-potty
    I threatened my daughter with years of farting profusely around boyfriends if I ever found out she gave this poor girl any crap.

    And for the same first and last name…For years the Nolan family got to watch Nolan Nolan pontificate his love for Blatz bear (I think it was Blatz) apparently his parents loved it also.

    One last name. Kind of cool “Derk Gravenstein”
    I dont know it just sounds cool to me…

  19. Stan Lee is kinda funny. As in Stanley Lee. It’s almost like the start of a tongue twister.

    (He was originally Stanley Liebert if I’m not mistaken)

  20. My last name is Ready, so I was/am born ready. It’s always a stupid little joke that gets people to laugh.

    On the Hunter Pence thing, I’m an Astros fan and I just realized how silly than name can sound, still doesn’t beat Major Applewhite, or some kid I once knew who was named “Riker”(first name) after the “Next Generation” guy.

  21. I have difficulty believing that no one to this point has mentioned Ðìçk Butkis.

    (My middle name is Lee, and my last name is Kirby)

  22. Completely off topic, PAD, but I’m looking forward to seeing you at this year’s Shore Leave again, and I have a… unique… autograph request for you.

    I think you’ll appreciate it, and approve.

    J.

  23. Ah…one more since my ‘net connection seems to be working for the moment.

    While in the military one of the things I did was schedule appointments for the folks new to the base. Answered the phone one day for and had a guy I knew tell me he had a newbie coming in – last name Tank. First name (you guessed it) Sherman.

    Sometime later the guy lost a fight on base. Never did figure out if it had to do with his name, which he obviously didn’t live up to very well.

    – Chris

  24. In middle school I became friends with one of my sister’s friends, a girl named Francis Wang, although she perferred to go by the nickname “Fanny.” That’s right, I was friends with Fanny Wang.

    There was another kid in her class who had the fortune of being named Dickson Her. I don’t think that anyone really made fun of him for it, just kinda felt sorry that his parents had no idea just what they were getting him into when they named him.

  25. I just remembered another name, my sister was also good friends with a boy named Matt Weiner. Substitute teachers always paused when they came to his name and ponder over which pronunciation would be a better approach (for the record, it was pernounced “whiner,” like the action).

    In my health class freshman year of high school there was a boy named Anibal (pronounced on-ih-bowl) who faced general harrasment whenever a substitute teacher took it upon themselves to correct the typo on the role-sheet and say that little girl’s name the way it ought to be said. He took it in great stride, I’ll give him that.

    I’ve been teased for my own last name, although the pronounciation isn’t really that amusing, it’s just a tough one to guess on. On occasion I’ll have the “joy” of being dubbed “Jasmine Louse,” which is apparently hillarious in idiot-speak. And for the next couple hours any semblence of the phonetics of my last name are thrown out the window with maniacal laughter by those around me. Frankly, it really doesn’t matter.

  26. I think one of the most unfortunate names I’ve ever come across is Ðìçk Hoff.

  27. A guy I used to work with swore he went to school with a girl named Anita Høøkër.

    Two that stick out for me were both from the Air Force… First, a guy in my basic training flight with the last name of Tinkle. He flipped out around day two or three and ended up getting discharged. Another is kinda along the lines of “Peter David” but involves military ranks: Airman Seaman.

    Peace.

  28. There is a professional rugby league player over here in Australia named Karmichael Hunt.

    That’s right, on the scoreboard comes up as “K.Hunt”

    And occasionally the game caller accidently misses out on the “armichael” part when saying Karmichael Hunt.
    Hilarity ensues for the audience, denial begins at the network.

  30. In the world of literature, how about Piscine Molitor Patel from The Life of Pi? He called himself by the nickname “Pi” to stop his classmates from calling him “Pìššìņg” Patel.

  31. Years ago, while working my way through college at a courier service, we had regular deliveries to Ðìçk Hymen on West Beaver Creek Dr. They used pre printed adress labels, and for the first few weeks the labels were missing the “s”. Enjoy.

  32. Hilarity ensues for the audience, denial begins at the network.

    Well, back when I was living in LA, it wasn’t unusual to hear sportscasters talk about “another catch by Mike Schmitt,” leaving out the all-important M in the last name…

    As for my name — not too bad, I suppose, but there are certainly a number of Lynch jokes that can be made, and around Christmas time I always get “you’re a mean one, Mr. Lynch” in proper tune and four-part harmony. Just as Bill said up above, gee it’s STILL funny.

    I’ve mentioned this name before as well, but my wife’s cousin’s son (whew!) is named Justice Hazard. He will be either a Supreme Court justice or a super-villain when he reaches adulthood; there are really no other choices.

    (His parents had the name picked out well in advance, but he happened to be born on Election Day 2004. Down with family earlier this month, someone said something along the lines of “so it was a name celebrating that justice had been done!” I said, “Gee, I’d figured it was a way of ensuring that there’d be SOME justice on that day…”)

    TWL

  33. My friend is named Ned.

    Legally. His parents named him Ned.

    He doesn’t get teased about it.

    But he does get šhìŧ from companies when he applies for jobs, because he doesn’t put a “professional name” down for his own, but what they infer is a colloquial, familiar version.

  34. Tim, here I would’ve thought he was named to bring Boss Hogg, Roscoe and the Dukes together at last.

    BTW, was reminded yesterday that my wife and I once worked with Jim Hawkins. Do you have any idea how much I wanted to ask him where his map was or take him to lunch at Long John Silver’s?

  35. Don’t know why this didn’t strike me before, but when I worked in a department store, at different times I had to place orders for a family named Spock, and another with the last name of Klingon. It took all my acting experience to keep the snickers down. That is, until they’d left my desk and the manager called me and asked me if I was serious or just goofing. Now, he called me Scully, but only after he saw that John Candy boating movie.

  36. Tim, here I would’ve thought he was named to bring Boss Hogg, Roscoe and the Dukes together at last.

    Wrong spelling — it’s Hazard with one Z, not two.

    My wife was in middle school right when the original Dukes series started, though, and one particular gym teacher thought it was the height of hilarity to call her “Daisy.” Every. Single. Day.

    Fortunately, the terms of her probation still allowed her to marry me. 🙂

    TWL

  37. Okay, did you mean “still allowed” or “required?”

    (Sorry, Tim, I had to if I were to retain what little self resect I have. And in my wife’s case, it was DEFINATELY required.)

  38. Well, “allowed” is what she’s always TOLD me. Some things you don’t inquire about too deeply…

    TWL

  40. I’ve told my traffic stop story here enough times before so I’ll just throw a few links out.

    Child named 2.0…
    http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/Midwest/02/01/offbeat.baby.version2.0.ap/index.html

    Like sports? Name the kid ESPN…
    http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=1829996

    And then there’s the nuts from the news just a few months back…
    http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=54021&in_page_id=34

    Almost makes pulling over a teenager girl named Chlamydia seem normal.

  41. This doesn’t concern an individual’s name, but exit 69 of I-75 in Michigan is onto Big Beaver Rd.

    When I broke my collar bone at age 12, my doctor was Dr. Risk.

    My parents once flew to Hawaii on airplane piloted by “Hap Hazard.”

    Rick

  42. My parents once flew to Hawaii on airplane piloted by “Hap Hazard.”

    Assuming that was his real name and that that’s how it was spelled, I actually wonder if it’s some distant relative of my wife. Apparently all the Hazards in the U.S. trace back to 1-2 families.

    Of course, my wife has lots of fun with this. As a biologist, she’s a Bio Hazard; her dad (a chemist) is a Chemical Hazard; her uncle is a Construction Hazard; her aunt is either a Travel Hazard or a Political Hazard (she ran the WH travel office about two iterations after the big brouhaha in Clinton’s first term); etc., etc., etc. It’s fun.

    TWL

  44. I grew up with a girl last name of Reese. ET was a bad time for her. I went to school with guy last name of Kniebel, pronouced “k’nee-bill”.My last name of Norton got me lots of Ralph Kramden impersonations.Oh and Eddie Murphy’s routine about the Honeymooners about killed me in school.

Comments are closed.