She says she got it from someone in Israel:
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, “How come the Jews know everything before we do?”
The CIA chief says, “The Jews have this expression, ‘Vus titzuch?'”
The President says, “Hëll, what’s that mean?”
“Well, Mr. President”, replies the CIA chief, “It’s a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to ‘what’s happening’. They just ask each other and they know everything.”
The President decides to go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked
car and dropped off in Brooklyn’s most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, “Vus titzuch?
The old guy whispers back: “Bush is in Brooklyn.”
PAD
• 
That was good for a chuckle or three. Let me try something…
“Vus titzuch?”
(And now I play the waiting game…)
…Bush is a Cylon
Great, now we’re going to be inundated by protests from the Cylon-American community.
Seriously, Jewish people say “Vus titzuch?” I always thought I was hearing “What is this?” Maybe the ones I heard were saying “what is this,” and I’m just overthinking it.
LOL, Peter. I think this is the first time I can recall you ever mentioning your Mom. I can recall you mention of your Dad, because I can recall that his name is Gunther (I think it was CBG’s coverage of your second wedding, which included a photo that he appeared in), but I don’t ever recall mention of your Mom until now. Tell her it’s a great joke. 🙂
I can recall you mention of your Dad, because I can recall that his name is Gunther (I think it was CBG’s coverage of your second wedding, which included a photo that he appeared in)
Heh. I recall the name from PAD’s columns about the Oblivion movies, and his dad’s appearance in the second of them.
Ah, the internet!
Heh, cute. I’ve already emailed that out to several friends and already gotten some interesting emails back. I’ve got two Jewish friends who may be wanting to have a word with you, PAD. They wanna know how I got hold of the secret.
Well, this thread started with a joke, so I’ll pass along a funny that everybody can enjoy in about two months (and some of you likely already have given the wide tastes of posters here) when the really unexpected U.S. DVD gets released.
Masterpiece Theatre aired a hilarious Nigel Havers & Warren Clarke miniseries back in 1992 called Sleepers:
Amidst the thaw of glasnost, the Kremlin discovers that two Soviet agents, sent to England under deep cover in 1965, have been “lost.” A beautiful and ambitious Russian agent, sent to London to track them down, becomes embroiled in a tangle of CIA, KGB and MI-5 plots and counter-plots as the two lost agents, now utterly assimilated, try to avoid detection.
Great series. Deepdiscountdvd, cduniverse, and Amazon are all listing it as a pre-order. You can get a better idea of what the mini was by checking out its imdb listing.
I recommend to anybody on this board who has never seen this film but who loves political humor, smart humor or slapstick humor to take the chance on it and get it. It’s fantastic.
Talk about beating around the bush. 🙂
Great, now we’re going to be inundated by protests from the Cylon-American community.
*snrk!*
I’m kind of relieved it didn’t end with “The last time we Jews saw a Bush, we ended up wandering in the desert for 40 years!”
Rob Brown wrote:
Great, now we’re going to be inundated by protests from the Cylon-American community.
*snrk!*
Or the Cylon Majority.
For whatever reason, hearing those words spoken with Shrub’s voice gave me an uncontrollable set of the giggles. Just imagining how he’d (mis)pronounce it…
So the CIA sends an agent to contact their most secure mole/sleeper agent in Moscow during the Kruschev years (this is a Myron Cohen story).
This guy’s cover is so good, even the CIA doesn’t know what he looks like; all they know is he’s currently suing the name “Greenberg” and may be living at a certain address.
If he locates Greenberg, the password is “A wet bird never flies at night,” and the countersign is “Teepee never empty when snow on nose of buffalo.”
So he goes to Moscow, passes himself off as a travelling yarmulke salesman, and goes to the address, which turns out to be a brownstone tenement with a tailor shop downstairs, just like UNCLE HQ in New York.
He looks at the bells, and, sure enough, there’s one labelled “Greenberg”. Unfortunately, there’s another one labelled “Greenberg”.
He must make contact with this super-secret agent…
So he picks one button at random, and when a voice on the intercom says “So, nu, who’s there?”, he bends close to the grille and says “A wet bird never flies at night.”
And the voice says, “Oh – you want Greenberg the spy. Third floor front.”
After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.
The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn’t look like a peasant, and if he isn’t a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I’m the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Wait — just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don’t need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He’s probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two, the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he’s their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah’s husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What’s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the university.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, “How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?”
“Very well, thank you, sir,” answered the startled passenger. “But how is it that you know my name?”
“Oh,” replied the scholar, “it was obvious.”
1Hi where can i post comments regarding x-factor? thanks
3 Jews called Cherl, Berl, and Schmerl plan to go to America.
“When I go to America,” says Cherl, “I’ll change my name to Chuck.”
“When I go to America,” says Berl, “I’ll change my name to Buck.”
“I think I’ll stay here,” says Schmerl.
“1Hi where can i post comments regarding x-factor? thanks”
This is about X-Factor.
Great Joke PAD. Not meaning to change the subject, but are you still following Friday Night Lights? In my humble opinion, the show just keeps getting better every week.
James
Jessie,
Mr. David will usually post a thread regarding a comic on the Friday following its release.
The first time I heard that joke it didn’t have Bush in it. It had Ayatollah Khomeini.
1Hi where can i post comments regarding x-factor? thanks
I was wondering that too…was hoping to get a lilttle help translating Monet’s dialogue. Here in Canada where French is one of the official languages, it’s mandatory that you take it for the first several years of school. But I never totally mastered the language back when I did take it, and after I stopped taking classes I forgot a good deal. So I only got the gist of much of and need somebody who speaks it better to help fill in the blanks.
This is about X-Factor.
Ah, I see, then THAT’S why Guido didn’t show up. He’s this Greenberg guy.
To Mike Weber:
Even if the punchline wasn’t included, that joke would be worth reading just for “travelling yarmulke salesman.” 🙂
To Bill Mulligan:
Wow, I’m stunned that the scholar was actually right!
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad”.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am, but it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will fin d a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Love the joke. Have you read “Yiddish with George and Laura”? You would find it a brocheh (it was the best word I could find in the glossary.). And also a lot of good jokes…But that probably went without saying…
Rob, here’s the translation of the French dialogue in X-Factor (very minor spoiler warning):
Page 8
Monet: Excuse me sir? What’s going on?
Man: Real monsters live here! They’re mutants!
Monet: Mutants? With powers?
Man: No one knows for sure. I don’t think so, but their powers might return. And that’s good enough for me.
Page 12
Woman in window: Go away, now!
Page 14
Cop: You are under arrest.
Monet: My name is Monet St. Croix. My father is Cartier St. Croix, he’s an ambassador. I want to speak to a lawyer immediately. And give me back my faberge egg, quick.
Page 20
Monet: If you think I’m gonna sit on that toilet you’re nuts.
Monet: Guard! Why is…
Great issue as always Peter! Big developments for both Jamie and Monet, I’m looking forward to seeing where you’ll go with it.
Keeping with the topic of this post, here are a couple of jokes:
Yossi and Yitzhak are on a train across Poland, each on his way to meet a prospective bride on the other side of the country. Halfway there, Yitzhak turns to Yossi and says, “Forget about this whole marriage thing. I just don’t like the idea.” So he gets off at the next stop and makes his way back home.
Meanwhile, Yossi continues on and is met at the final destination by the mothers of the two prospective brides. When the mothers realize what has happened, they instantly begin to fight over whose daughter should wed this precious little boychik. “He’s mine!” cries one. “Not on your life,” cries the other. “He will marry my daughter!”
After bickering for a while, Yossi and the two mothers decide to go the rebbe and ask him to resolve the situation. In the grand tradition of the ancients, the rebbe replies, “Well, there is only one solution to this problem. Cut the boy in half, and you each take half home with you.” At this, the first mother looks shocked, while the second mother grins and cries emphatically, “Yah! Cut him in half!!”
The rebbe points to the second mother and says, “That is the real mother-in-law. Case closed.”
and
Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.
The Rosh Yeshiva finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.
Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. “I have figured out their secret,” he announced.
“They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting.”
Check out http://www.jewlarious.com for more jokes.
Raphy
A man takes a seat on a bus. He says to the fellow at his side, “I am Chinese.”
The other fellow says, “I am Jewish.”
The Chinese fellow says proudly, “My civilization is 4000 years old.”
With equal pride, the Jewish fellow says “My civilization is 5000 years old.”
After a few moments of contemplation, the Chinese guy says to the Jewish guy “So what did your people eat for a thousand years?”
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew ware lost in the desert. After a few days they start to talk to themselves.
The Frenchman says “I’m hungry and I’m thirsty — I must have brie and wine!”
The German says “I’m hungry and I’m thirsty — I must have bratwurst and beer!”
The Jew says “I’m hungry and I’m thirsty — I must have diabetes!”
I’m pretty syre that the “travelling yarmulke salesman” line is my own; i learnt the framework for that joke from Myron Cohen’s LP (remember those?) Everybody Gotta be Someplace about forty-five years ago… (I’m pretty sure, that was where, that is…)
Another from COhen:
It’s a rotten cold night – 3AM. Anything you can imagine the weather doing on a cold night in New York City, it’s doing. Twice, some of it.
It’s an all-night bakery. The baker hasn’t seen a customer in hours. He has the heat all the way up. He has the ovens going full blast with their doors open. He’s sitting as far from the windows and the draft under the door as he can, wearing two sweaters, a heavy coat, mittens, a mufler, a watchcap, earmufs – and he’s shivering.
He’s wondering if it’s ever going to get warm again.
Suddenly – Blap! – the door swings open on a gust of wind, and a figure staggers in from the Hyperborean blast, struggles to close the door, staggers to the counter, lowers the ice-crusted scarf that covers his face, and reveals – seventy-year-old Mr. Kaputnik, who lives two blocks down.
Figuring nobody’s gonna be out in this weather if it’s not an emergency, the bake says “So, Mr Kaputnik – what is? Can I help?”
Mr Kaputnik looks up sadly at him and say “Two bagels, please. Mitout seeds.”
For a moment the baker is stunned.
“Mr Kaputnik – did your wife send you here?”
Kaputnik looks at him scornfully for a moment.
“What the hëll, you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?”
Ladies may wish to leave the room:
An American is touring in the Old Country – for me, for instance, thses days, that would be the Czech Republic – and visiting the village his ancestors came from.
His antique pocket watch stops working; he wonders if there’s a watchmaker in the village. Unfortunately, he only speaks a few words of the local language, and he doesn’t read it at all.
Then he realises that the shops in the village square, under their incomprehensible signs, have windows, and in those windows, thay have samples.
So that one has cuts of meat and sausages in the window – the butcher!
And the one next door has loaves of bread and pastries in the window – the baker!
And the third has shoes and boots – the cobbler!
And the next one – the next one has a clock and a watch even older than his in the window!
So he goes in, and, as he’s found throughout the country, the man inside speaks a little more English than he speaks of the local tongue, and they can communicate.
So he holds up the watch, says in a pidgin mixture, “This one – can you fix?”
And the bearded guy behind the counter says, “‘m sorry – not a clockmaker is this.”
“Butcher sausage in window has. Baker bread has. Has also cobbler shoes. Have you watch and clock, but not fix? So is what shop?”
“The mohel am I.”
“But in window…”
“So, nu?, what in window should I put?”
One of the oldest jokes in vaudeville, so old that George Burns referenced it in “Oh God.”
Two old Jewish guys sitting on a bench. One guy says, “Life is like a glass of tea.”
Second guy says, “How is life like a glass of tea?”
First guys looks annoyed and says, “Why ask me? What am I, a philosopher?”
PAD
The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.
She says, “I’d like to, but it’s so much trouble… I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd…”
He replies, “Mom! I’m the President! You won’t need a cab — I’ll send a limousine for you!”
His mother says, “I know, but then I’ll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle… it’s just too much trouble.”
He replies, “Mom! I’m the President of the United States! I’ll send Air Force One for you — it’s my private jet!”
She says, “Oh, well, but then when we land, I’ll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab… it’s really too much trouble.”
He replies, “Mom!! I’m the President! I’ll send a helicopter for you! You won’t have to lift a finger.”
She says, “Yes, that’s nice… but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don’t like the rooms…”
Exasperated, he says, “Mom! I’m the President! You’ll stay at the White House!”
She says, “Well… all right… I guess I’ll come.”
The next day, she’s on the phone with her friend Betty: “Hello, Sylvia… so what’s new?”
She says, “I’m visiting my son for Thanksgiving!”
Betty says, “The doctor?”
She says, “No… the other one.”