In a tragic setback in Iraq, it was announced today that a dog ate the just completed Iraqi constitution.
“We finished it, honest to god,” said assembly speaker Hajim al-Hasani, looking greatly chagrined and scuffing his toe. “It was all done, we had it, we just needed that extra day to make it look really good. And then we were carrying it to work and this dog just came out of nowhere. It barked and scared us, and I was so startled that I dropped the constitution. Next thing we knew, it was in this dog’s mouth and he was running away with it, chewing on it.”
The constitution and dog have eluded capture. Authorities believe that the dog may have been associated with insurrectionists, since there have been several instances of dogs being employed as suicide bombers.
Fox News reported CIA suspicions that protestor Cindy Sheehan may have been behind the theft, stopping at nothing to make President George W. Bush look bad.
“I sympathize with the Iraqi assembly,” President Bush stated from his annual one month vacation in Crawford, Texas. “I remember when a dog ate my copy of the Bill of Rights and the Geneva Convention. We still haven’t gotten over that one.”
With the Iraqi assembly now having to start all over again, a new delivery date for the Constitution is uncertain since they’ll have to re-create it from memory.
PAD
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Rogers doesn’t have laser beams. He uses them. Only I think they’re called Ray Guns, or something. Anyway, more often, Buck wins by NOT using his future century technology, but rather by relying on his 20th century wits. Which, Tarzan repeatedly displays his uncanny ability to use his jungle-skills to outwit his 20th century counterparts.
So, even though Buck has access to future technology, he still demonstrates 20th century thinking. He’s clever, but not experienced. Kir..err, Tarzan would just think 3 dimensionally, and sneak up behind Buck and incapacitate him. Or something.
But they all bow down before the power that is….BARBIE….
Ok, so to get particular, Buck Rogers has access to laser beams; I’m willing to let Tarzan use what he has access to, like sticks, vines, and his own waste. And the 3D thinking doesn’t give Tarzan an advantage versus Buck, because Buck’s a space pilot and thinks in those terms all the time. I guess I’m thinking of Buck like Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark; jungle boy’s gonna swing and jump around, hollerin’ his ever-lovin’ head off for his forest friends to come save him, and Buck’s gonna look at him, whip out his ray gun, and blow his smelly, unwashed opponent away before he can fling his first man-patty.
Rogers gets the nod when it comes to sidekicks AND love interests; robots and Tanya Roberts in a tight, bosomy space suit versus a chimp and Jane?
Well…what beats robots and Tanya Roberts as well as a chimp and Jane…is…
A chimp and Trixie!
Googlefight:
Tarzan: 1,790,000
Speed Racer: 1,920,000
Of course…Superman whups even the Transformers with 4,430,000
And by the way, my visit to googlefight shows Barbie only has 4,600,000 hits…but even if she did have 32 million…do you know who has 53 million?
PAD
And of course, having thought to check myself, all of the instances where I said “Tanya Roberts” were really meant to be “Erin Gray” – obviously some malicious keystroke virus affected my posts…
“And of course, having thought to check myself, all of the instances where I said “Tanya Roberts” were really meant to be “Erin Gray” – obviously some malicious keystroke virus affected my posts…”
I was wondering about that. Isn’t Ms. Roberts Beastmaster’s girl Friday?
And who are you stacking Buck up against, Tarzan or Cheetah, his chimp buddy? Tarzan may have been raised by apes, but he pulled that stint in England for a while after he was found, didn’t he? So he’s got all the benefits of a 19th century civilized society, paired with the canny and wits of the jungle life. All Buck’s got are some neat gadgets (from his first season, anyway. After that, his ray guns became little fragile things) and 20th century machismo.
Now, if we start bringing in the whole crew, Buck clearly gets the advantage. Twicki, Hawk, Dr. Theopolis, and of course, the aformentioned Wilma.
Say, anyone see Hawk showing up on one of those so-called TRUTH ads aimed at revealing how evil Big Tobaccy is?
Tanya Roberts: 945,000
Erin Gray: 975,000
Bo Derek (Jane in 1981 Tarzan, The Ape Man): 2,510,000
“And by the way, my visit to googlefight shows Barbie only has 4,600,000 hits…but even if she did have 32 million…do you know who has 53 million?”
Googlefight? As in, that’s an actual site? Is just do a word search on yahoo, powered by Google.
At least Googlefight ends two of the great JLA/Avengers crossover debates…Superman (4,430,000 results) trounces Thor (3,550,000 results). And while Batman’s assessment was probably accurate that he and Captain America were evenly matched, Batman narrowly beats Cap at 8.6 million v. 7.89 million.
Wheras my less accurate yahoo/google search yields 27,900,000 for Superman, 20,700,000 for Thor, 24,500,000 for Captain America, and a whopping 51,600,000 for Batman.
Not sure why the numbers are significantly larger at Yahoo. The numbers are identical, whether you go to google.com or googlefight.com, as googlefight.com draws its numbers from Google.
It’s possible Yahoo has more pages catalogued than Google does. That surprises me, but it’s possible.
Yahoo also might be reporting partial hits, whereas google only reports full hits. Dunno.
Ðámņ… I was hoping to dumb down Tarzan a little with the “Tarzan, Lord of the Apes = feces flinging” angle, but you’re too quick for me, Bobb (though he did pee on one of the apes in “Greystoke, the Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes” movie).
However, I still say ray gun wins. I’m sorry, but I don’t think you’re giving Buck enough credit for wits and skill, and taking into account that Buck’s a fellow hero, so he can actually shoot straight and take good shots, as opposed to the villianous hunters and other civilized men that Tarzan usually fights. I will say in a dense jungle, it would depend on whether Tarzan gets the drop or not, but in most other environments, especially anything really urban, Tarzan’s gonna be at a disadvantage, or at least have less of an advantage. In a white, empty room, with their preferred weapons, just man to man, Buck’s gonna win.
Now, Conan versus Tarzan, that would be interesting… and extremely deadly…
There seems to be some dispute between Yahoo and Google over their relative sizes
Of course, if Tarzan and Buck really were to come up against each other, we all know what would really happen. There’d be some misunderstanding or mistaken identity, they would tussle, it’d be a stalemate (unless they clahsed more than once…then they’d split wins) and eventually they’d discover that someone else was manipulating them into fighting. At which point they’d team up to defeat the nefarious villian.
Not to take away anything from PAD but if you want to know how many actual hits that Peter, the man, the legend, has, you have to put the name in quotation marks.
That said, here be the results:
“peter david” — 292,000 results
vs
“John Byrne” — 197,000 results
King Kong — 1,980,000 results
vs
Godzilla — 1,340,000 results
Monkey — 16,000,000 results
vs
Robot — 21,000,000 results
everything — 182,000,000 results
vs
nothing — 120,000,000 results
Jesse James — 763,000 results
vs
Frankenstein’s Daughter — 776 results
“Peter david leaving Hulk” — 4 results
vs
“a poke in the eye with a sharp stick”– 7,940 results
Bill – LOL!!!
But – King Kong beat Godzilla? Boo!
As far as Tarzan vs. Rodgers … Tarzan just strikes me as a lot smarter than ol’ Buck. Of course, I’m thinking primarily of the print version of Tarzan; he’s really a lot like Batman … in a loincloth and with less gritty grimness. But, if we go with a TV or film Lord of the Apes – which seems fair, since we’re going with TV Buck – I’m less sure. One thing I do know, thtough: if we’re talking about supporting cast, forget Jane or Wilma – no offense to either – but Buck had Pamela “Princess Ardala” Hensley. Or, rather, he could have had her, but he kept turning her down; not sure if she counts for or against him, then …. (You know KIRK wouldn’t’ve turned her down 😉 )
Hey,
Jon Stwart beat David Letterman:
JS: 4220000
DL: 1770000
Erin Grey beats Pamela Hensley hands down.
Even Googlefight agrees.
Googlefight:
Peter David 54,700,000
Vs.
X-Ray 18,700,000
Writer Of Stuff 16,500,000
Vs.
But I Digress 1,010,000
All the names in all the contests above were without quotes…Erin Gray, Tanya Roberts, etc.
Barbie searches include all results of pages with people nicknamed Barbie. Yes, there are people with that nickname. Or Australian references to “Shrimps on the Barbie”.
What I’m saying is, it’s OK that PAD battled without quotes, since everyone else did too. The rules don’t matter as long as everyone’s treated equally.
Spyboy: 61,300
Madrox: 37,500
“Johnny Storm”: 134,000
“The Hulk”: 671,000
“Mark Hazzard”: 1,770
Atlanna: 453,000
so Iraq needs a constitution, heck, send em ours, we’re not using it!
Awesome! George Carlin visits PAD’s site!
Truth: 54,900,000 results
vs
Justice: 96,200,000 results
Googlefight: 65,200
Iraq Constitution: 766,000
obviously even googlefight is wrong, occasionally.
Heh. Make of this what you will:
Truth Justice: 11,900,000 results
The American Way: 125,000,000 results
Even being Republican, I have to admit I’m beginning to understand the driving force behind our current foreign policy – I hope the makers of googlefight.com are happy…
John wrote “obviously even googlefight is wrong, occasionally”
Yeah, I figured that out when King Kong beat Godzilla … and Erin Grey beat Pamela Hensley 😉
And also, I’m wrong occasionally – namely, when pointing out Captain Kirk wouldn’t’ve turned Ardala down. Which he wouldn’t’ve; but since he really wouldn’t turn down much of anyone he came across of a female persuasion, it really doesn’t prove that much 😉
Bad News Sports fans. Seems that registering to vote has now become fashionable in the four Sunni dominated provinces. A NO Vote for ratifification of the constitution in 3/4 makes the constitution means it is a nonstarter. Back to Square One in I R A Q M I R E!!!!!