Men In Comics

September 13, 1991

The following is a transcript of a panel entitled “Men In Comics,” held behind closed doors at Noncon 13 in New York on August 10-11. Participants include Spike Jackson, artist on “Blood and Gore”; Bud Wolff, writer/artist of the forthcoming detective comic series, “Dying is for Pansies;” Zack Dekker, writer/artist for the vigilante tales of “The Defenestrator;” and Mike “Mad Dog” Miller, editor of “Hi Test-Tosterone, the Killer Mutant Gas Jockey.” Moderator is convention organizer Vic Chalker.

VIC: The doors bolted? The “No Girls Allowed” sign up? Okay, good. I’d like to welcome all the real men in the audience to the “Men In Comics” panel–

ZACK: *Urrrp*

SPIKE: You’re supposed to crush the beer can…

ZACK: *Cruuunch* *Sploosh*

SPIKE: …after it’s empty.

VIC: Every time you go to conventions, you always see these “Women in Comics” panel. And you get a punch of pasty-faced broads up there moaning and whining about how comics are insensitive to women creators and crapola like that.

MAD DOG: Whining little wussies.

BUD: Look, let’s get real up front about this, okay? The reason nobody cares about “women” in comics is because comics is a men’s medium, okay? It’s for guys. It’s for people with a “Y” chromosone, okay? It’s the last bastion of male supremacy.

ZACK: Absolutely.

SPIKE: Chicks are going to stand around and whine and crab because here’s something else that they’re just not good enough to compete with the big boys on. They just haven’t got the, whaddaya call it…?

MAD DOG: Equipment.
SPIKE: Right. Mental or physical. Just don’t have the kahonies, y’know?

VIC: But there are women superheroes, you know. Rogue, Storm, Wonder Woman…

MAD DOG: Pansies and wusses. Whiners. All of ’em.

VIC: You’re saying Ms. Tree is a whiner?

BUD: If she were any good, she’d be monthly.

ZACK: *Urrrppp*

VIC: Do you think that women superheroes serve a purpose?

ZACK: Someone’s gotta get the coffee, y’know? (Raucous laughter)

BUD: Zack, pass a beer down.

ZACK: Beer Hunter! Let’s play Beer Hunter!

(One can is shaken and then they’re all mixed around. Panelists open them one at a time as panel continues.)

SPIKE: Here’s the purpose they serve: Sales consideration.

VIC: In what way?

SPIKE: The problem is that most comic books lose their readers once the readers discover girls. So in an effort to try and hold on to those readers, you’ve got some broads in the books so that, when their hormones kick in, you give the kids something to look at. Something soft to focus on.

ZACK: It’s not just sales. There’s emotional involvement. Some of the love letters we get addressed to May Hem, the usually-undressed love interest in “Defenestrator”–they’d tear your heart out. So when we have female characters, we try and
be aware of the difficult emotional baggage that our readers carry, and act accordingly.

VIC: What do you look for in a female character?

ZACK: Big hooters.

MAD DOG: Huge gazongas.
BUD: Absolutely. Knockers the size of Pawtucket.

SPIKE: Gotta have ’em. They gotta defy gravity.

MAD DOG: We’re talking monster truckers here…

BUD: And skimpy costumes.

ZACK: A must. An absolute must.

SPIKE: We try to work in at least one shower or bathing scene in every issue of “Blood and Gore.”

VIC: Isn’t that gratuitous?

SPIKE: Oh, absolutely. Our readers constantly express their gratitude.

BUD: Frequently they express it on paper.

MAD DOG: Yeah. Gets pretty disgusting, too.
ZACK: It works either way. Women undressed or women in tights. Our readers like women who are real women. Women in tight fitting costumes…

VIC: We got a question from the audience.

FAN: Yeah, I was wondering…you were talking about tights and stuff. Whenever I think of tights, I think of women and also ballet dancers…

MAD DOG: All male ballet dancers are pansies. It’s a medical fact.

FAN: But most superheros wear tights too. Doesn’t that ever make you–y’know–wonder?

MAD DOG: Makes me wonder about you, you sissy boy.

VIC: Now wait, he’s got a point there. I mean, you wouldn’t catch me dead in tights. And how about you guys? Be honest now.

BUD: *Splooosh* *Arrrggghhhhh*

SPIKE: Hah! He got the shaken can!

ZACK: That Bud’s for you, Bud!

SPIKE: Y’know, that guy has a point. I sure wouldn’t dress in tights. None of us would. That’s because we’re all real men. Kevin Costner, there’s a real man–wouldn’t wear tights in Robin Hood. Not like that Nazi pinko Errol Flynn.

MAD DOG: Yeah, I never thought about it…tough to be a real man when you’re wearing tights. Some guys can do it, though. Most are wusses, though. That’s why we publish the comics we do–to provide comics for real men with real men heroes. Not pansy heroes like…

VIC: Like who? Let’s have the audience toss out suggestions, and you guys will decide whether the heroes mentioned are real men or wusses. Okay. Suggestions?

FAN #2: Wolverine.

PANEL: Wuss!!

VIC: Wolverine is a wuss?!

BUD: Oh, he used to be a real man. Then he got involved in all that samurai crud, and now he hangs out with jailbait like Jubilee. And simpering about robot girls!

ZACK: Wuss city. Next?

FAN #3: Lobo.

BUD: Real man.

MAD DOG: Absolutely. Guy takes no crap, and blew away his old teacher. She had it coming, too. Next?

FAN #4: Sandman.

ZACK: Wuss.

MAD DOG: Dead on there. Major wuss.

SPIKE: Might as well just write off any books written by Limeys. Whole wuss country. Run by a queen. Whattaya expect?

FAN #4: Now hold it. What about Judge Dredd? That’s done by British guys. Judge Dredd is a wuss?

(Dead silence.)

SPIKE: Okay, one non-wuss British thing slipped through.

ZACK: Law of averages. Had to happen.

VIC: Anyone else?

FAN #5: Batman.

VIC: Which one?

FAN #5: 1950s.

PANEL: Wuss!

FAN #5: 1960s “New Look” Batman.

PANEL: Wuss!

FAN #5: O’Neill/Adams Batman.

PANEL: Real man.

SPIKE: Though he got a little wussy whenever Talia was around. Never liked her.

FAN #5: Englehart/Rogers Batman.

PANEL: Real man.

SPIKE: Same complaint about Silver St. Cloud. Although he walked in on her when she was standing there in the towel–that was a real man in action, lemme tell ya.

FAN #6: Spider-Man.

PANEL: Major wuss.

FAN #7: Thor.

MAD DOG: A few of the Lee/Kirby issues were real man stuff. Otherwise, though, major wuss.

ZACK: And that stuff when he turned into a frog? What the hëll was that all about?

BUD: The hair should be enough of a tip, y’know?

FAN #8: The Hulk.

BUD: Gray Hulk was a real man. New guy’s a wuss.

FAN #9: Superman.

PANEL: Wuss.

FAN #10: Green Lantern.

BUD: Which one?

FAN #10: Hal Jordon.
PANEL: Wuss.

FAN #10: Guy Gardner.

PANEL: Real man.

FAN #11: The Punisher.

MAD DOG: A man’s man. The ultimate man.

ZACK: No two ways.

SPIKE: Especially when you’ve got a real man’s man writing him. Like that Joe Duffy. He’s got the Punisher down to a tee. That Joe, I’d like to go out and knock back a few beers with him and tell him he knows what makes a man a man.

BUD: You bet.

ZACK: I couldn’t agree more.

MAD DOG: I’d stake my rep on writers like that Joe Duffy guy…

VIC: Uh…guys? I think the panel’s just ended.

SPIKE: Why? We still got…why’s the audience laughing? Where’re they going?

MAD DOG: What’s with you pansies!! What–

VIC: This has been “Men In Comics.” Thank you all for coming.

ZACK: Why’re they all walking out?! We mention a real man like Joe Duffy and they can’t take it? It’s not like we brought up that Chris Claremont broad!

VIC: Just shut up, okay? Just shut up.

Peter David, writer of stuff, cannot recommend highly enough the great new book, “Where’s Dan Quayle?” A take-off on the “Waldo” books published by Collier Books, it’s a dandy ice-breaker if you keep it around as a coffee table book.