FOUND UNDER A SNOWDRIFT…

…no, not Peter. Just a BID that ran slightly out of order.

March 15, 1991

Convention-hopping this past weekend, attending a New York Creation Con on Saturday and a small convention on Long Island Sunday for benefiting AIDS research. Some assorted ramblings from events at the two cons follows.

* * *

Jo Duffy, with whom I attended the Long Island Con, offered up an additional possibility to my list of why fans might wind up badmouthing professionals, drawn from personal experience.

Some time back, Jo was attending a Creation Con in Baltimore and was paddling around in the hotel swimming pool. The conversation of two female fans nearby caught Jo’s ear, which is usually inevitable when one’s name is mentioned.

Arbitrarily assigning the women names, we’ll call them Sally and Jane. Sally asked, “So who are the guests at this thing?”

“George Takei and Jo Duffy,” replied Jane.

“Ohhhh,” moaned Sally. “Oh, great. Well, George is okay, but I’ve met Jo Duffy before, and he is just an incredibly obnoxious man.”

And Jo listened on in amazement as Sally proceeded to talk about what a rude guy Jo Duffy was.

Now the entertaining thing about this anecdote is that Jo’s given name is Mary Jo Duffy, but she prefers to simply be called “Jo,” and that’s how she bills herself professionally and that’s what everyone who knows her or has met her calls her. Everyone except Sally, who had never met her, but didn’t hesitate to badmouth to the increasingly goggle-eyed and impressed Jane.

Jo’s theory is that some fans fabricate feuds in order to self-aggrandize themselves in the eyes of others. I doubt if that will happen with me. I annoy enough people in person that they don’t have to start making it up. It would seem to indicate, though, that next time someone boasts of how rude a pro was to them, it might be reasonable to take it with a grain of salt.

As far as gender confusion goes, Jo’s story is right up there with the fan who told me that he’d heard that Chris Claremont had gotten married to Terry Austin. I was laughing too hard so I never found out which one, Chris or Terry, was osentsibly female.

* * *

By the time the sixth person held up a copy of the trade paperback edition of The Death of Jean DeWolff, they only had to get as far as “Did you know…” before I said, “Yes, I know.”

Remember the column I did a while back about sloppy production in comics? And I cited the original four issues of The Death as being chock full of all kinds of blunders? Well, in the recently release trade collection, every single one of the mistakes I noted were fixed…and then pages 91 and 92, the climax of the story, were run out of order. So Daredevil is in the middle of a fight, and then you turn the page and he first gets there.

Am I mad? Heck no. I can’t think of any better final commentary on my column than that.

* * *

I was also shown a cartoon from the March 1 CBG (I hadn’t gotten it yet) in which a cartoonist gleefully attacks me, his exuberance exceeded only by his disregard for libel laws.

I’m usually accused of verbosity, so what happens? I try to give the short version of a childhood anecdote and get slammed for it. Fine. If anyone is remotely interested in the expanded version, here it is. Otherwise, you can skip on to the next item which is about Star Trek VI.

Still here? Good lord. Have you nothing better to do? Ah, well…

Number one, when I used the full nelson that I first read about in Detective Comics on the obnoxious school bully, I can’t say for sure I would’ve gotten an “A” for technique. We were two fifth grade kids struggling on the playground yard. However, like most schoolyard bullies of the time (they didn’t carry switchblades and guns back then, you see) he crumbled the moment I put up any serious resistance. It didn’t take much–even an incorrect nelson would have done it. Especially after I tripped him.

Number two, I did know how to use a correct full nelson because, in addition to reading about it in Detective, I encountered it once more not too long after that when reading, for the first time, Tarzan of the Apes. In a sequence where Tarzan is fighting a bull ape, the following occurs during the “rollings and squirmings” of the struggle:

“(Tarzan’s) arm was passed beneath Terkoz’s arm from behind and his hand and forearm encircled the back of Terkoz’s neck. It was the half-Nelson of modern wrestling which the untaught ape-man had stumbled upon…It was the difference to him between life and death. And so he struggled to encompass a similar hold with the left hand, and in a few moments Terkoz’s bull neck was creaking beneath a full-Nelson.”

I always loved Burroughs’ stuff. I read it over and over again. For that matter, it remains an influence on my work, especially when I cross cut between two concurrent storylines. A Rock and a Hard Place, one of my Trek novels, was very much flavored by Burroughs.

Hope I haven’t bored you too much. I can live with being called boring. But twisted and pathetic? No, I can’t say I appreciate that.

* * *

Good, you had the wisdom to skip the nonsense above. Kind of like a Choose-Your-Own Adventure column, huh?

I find that people tend to complain incessantly about Creation Con before and after they attend them, but while they’re there people at least seem to be having a great time. The mid-February New York con called “The Two Captains,” featuring Patrick Stewart and William Shatner, was no exception.

Shatner announced that, contrary to the earlier reports that Star Trek VI was scuttled, it had in fact gotten a reprieve and that, not only was it a go, but shooting was scheduled to begin April 15. Details of plot were not made available, other than that it would be the last story of the original cast. There have been rumors flying around about multiple deaths which have been vehemently denied. On the other hand, details were denied in earlier films and turned out to be true. So one never knows.

Ostensibly the film would take nine months from first day of shooting to release date, which would peg it at Christmas. Of course, I suppose they could just get Roger Corman to film it and get it done in a week.

(For that matter, why do they keep dropping bombs on Baghdad? Why don’t they just send in David Copperfield and he can make the whole place disappear. It can’t be that much bigger than the Statue of Liberty…)

* * *

Being known by comic fans is nice, but I’ll know I’m really somebody when all the Klingon security personnel and Creation door guards recognize me instead of challenging me wherever I go.

* * *

I did some stage time, including a reading from Q-IN-LAW, and took questions. A cute blonde in the balcony told me that she’d read my column and that she didn’t think I was toxic waste at all. It was very sweet of her, although I must admit it’s rapidly becoming one of the oddest compliments I receive.

* * *

I had the opportunity to spend some time with Shatner and Stewart before they went on. Both very soft-spoken, thoughtful, even a touch bemused by it all. But when they went on stage (on Saturday evening they were on together) they snapped into public personnas that were remarkably along the lines of the characters with which they’re associated. Actually, they made a great comedy team–Shatner bombastic, aggressively in command, the jokester; Stewart the thoughtful, quietly in command, the straight man. They played off each other beautifully.

They quite literally gave the crowd what they wanted and expected.

Most deftly handled question: “Which Enterprise has the better command crew?” Shatner’s response–“If older is wiser, then we do.” Stewart’s response–“If the future belongs to the young, then we do.”

Most bizarre question that worked: “What did you two think of the Batman movie?” This drew a roar of impatient disbelief from the crowd, but Shatner and Stewart promptly started to chat about that and other movies as well, and it was like Star Trek’s answer to Siskel and Ebert.

Most in-character response to a question: Asked how they would handle Saddam Hussein, Shatner responded that he would blow him to hëll and gone, and Stewart responded that he would be engaging Hussein in talks.

Best moment: Stewart claimed that he considers it a compliment if someone in an audience falls asleep while he’s on stage in a play, because it means that the spectator was so comfortable with the performance that he relaxed enough to doze. Shatner looked at Stewart as if the latter had completely lost his mind.

* * *

Next time you see Star Trek author Allan Asherman at a convention, request– no, demand– that he do his George Takei impression. It’s uncanny.

* * *

Next week, writing tricks for would-be comic writers. Be there or miss it.

Peter David, writer of stuff, presents the following scenario: The Enterprise is engulfed by a mysterious cosmic cloud that removes everyone from the ship except for James Kirk, and turns Kirk into a ten-year-old. Kirk now has to get his ship back to at starbase while thwarting the attempts of marauding Klingons to get aboard the ship. Yes, it’s Star Trek VI: The Voyage Home Alone.