I thought the most poorly named product in recent history was the brand of Peter Pan peanut butter that was called "Peter Pan Whipped." It implied everything from sadomasochism in Neverland to the notion that Peter doesn't get to leave the house unless Wendy gives him the okay.
But that pales in comparison to the ad I saw tonight for Jack-In-The-Box. Get this:
Buy a Value Meal, and you get a Reindeer ball.
Oh. My God.
Let us be generous enough to assume they're not talking about sexual congress with a reindeer. Let us, instead, go with the obvious. For those of you who want to know what it is like to eat a Reindeer ball, I refer you to Darlene Randle of "Fear Factor" who had to eat that very thing. According to Ms. Randle:
"They had a casing that was so hard to digest and chew. They exploded in your mouth when you put them in there and it was all warm and just totally gross. Just chewing the outer part was the hardest for me to get down. I had to chew it up as much as possible and then swallow."
I mean, it's not as if the term "Jack in the Box" doesn't have its own bit of sexual innuendo. So you think they'd be alert. You'd think perhaps they might have said you could get a free Reindeer Christmas Ornament. But no. Eat at JITB, get a Reindeer ball.
What next? Elf balls?
PAD
Down in New Bedford, MA, there was a small Italian restaurant that had one of those marquee signs out front. For the longest time, it had two lines posted. The first was "Now Hiring". The second line was "Grilled Chicken Subs". If I had more time at that point in my life, I was going to make use of my four years of art school and whip up a giant grilled chicken sandwhich costume and go ask for an application. Alas, after a few chuckles amongst friends, none of us had enough motivation to go through with it.
Monkeys.
I saw the ad and I never thought anything wrong with it, that is until now. I guess everyone's mind works different.
I personally think the worst named toy on the market is "Baby Pooh".
For years, there was gas station near the I-10 ramp on S. Clairborne in New Orleans, that apparently sold meat. And their slogan was "You can't beat Wagner's meat!"
Does Maxim still hold that accidental porn contest monthly?
Not as good as PAD's take on the situation but I do have a picture of me and a buddy beside a sign that says "DR B.J. HARDDICK". And its 100% real.
God, so purlie. Yet SO FUNNY!!!
"Paging Dr. B.J. Harddick"
Remember the short-lived Mars candy-bar ads, narrated by Jamie Farr?
"You get big crunchy nuts - in a Mars Bar!"
I give to you the Fisher-Price 4-Play Desk: http://www.rdwarf.com/wildcat/images/misc/four.gif
Enjoy!
Wildcat
Several years ago a theater here in Pittsburgh had a three line marquee that had the following:
Spy Kids
Blow
The Brothers
Somebody had to be having fun with that one.
Not quite as filthy, but definitely in the department of "bwah?" was the movie marquee my wife and I saw many years ago:
BIG BIRD
RAMBO
JSM
Through much of the Fall of 2001, the marquee of the local, one screen art theater read:
GOD BLESS AMERICA
IN THE BEDROOM
Back when I was still a practicing attorney, my opposing council's name was Richard Wood. He insisted on being called Dick. So any time I needed to speak with him do discuss the case, I had to ask his assistant "Hi, is Dick Wood available?"
I really wish I was making that up.
Knowing Jack in the Box it was probably intentional. Jack in the Box is always doing stuff like that. If you saw their Chicken breast commercials you'd understand.
KingBobb:
>Back when I was still a practicing attorney, my opposing council's name was Richard Wood. He insisted on being called Dick. So any time I needed to speak with him do discuss the case, I had to ask his assistant "Hi, is Dick Wood available?"
>I really wish I was making that up.
Well, think of it this way, it would have been much more uncomfortable for you to have been the guy reading off the standardized test scores for him from the alphabetized last name first list.
Fred
I lived in England in the early 1980s, and one day, as my wife and I were walking in town, a display in a store window caught my eye. There, stacked up in a nice little display, were about 20 cans of "Eat Me." I'm pretty sure it was some kind of canned meat. In any case, the phrase had quite a different meaning in Chicago, where I grew up.
On the other hand, how insulting would you be to someone who looked at a Hulk comic, saw "Hulk Smash!" and assumed it was talking about alcoholism?
Charles K "On the other hand, how insulting would you be to someone who looked at a Hulk comic, saw "Hulk Smash!" and assumed it was talking about alcoholism?"
....I don't get it...
What does "Hulk Smash" have to do with alcoholism?
Recently I was reviewing the bio of a speaker who's coming to give a presentation through my work. In her bio was a list of books she had written, including this one:
Hooking Teens with the Internet
Unless it's about prostituting adolescents online, some editor somewhere really should have caught that...
C'mon disney's been doing this shtick for years...didn't the bunny THUMPER in "Bambi" THUMP when he saw a girl bunny he liked?
Check out this Donald Duck kiddie ride
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v130/BudTugly/funny/duckwhatf35.jpg
Then, there's what the late Don Thompson said, with some justification, was the most obscene comic book title ever:
GIANT-SIZE MAN THING
I probably haven't seen/heard all variations on the Jack in the Box ad, but the ones I have heard, i believe, did say "Reindeer antenna ball". Which of course ruins the humor since that can't be misinterpreted.
Regarding "Hulk Smash"..."Hulk Smashed" would definitely conjure up ideas of alcoholism, but I have never heard the word "smash" without the "-ed" ending being used to refer to getting drunk. Someone "gets smashed". They don't do the smashing. The alcohol smashes them. (And the metaphor of The Hulk as the dangers of alcoholism isn't necessarily a bad one. Imo.)
Hmmm, I hear a theme going on.
Thought I'd remind you of a Saturday Night Live NPR skit.
Here's an excerpt from "Schweddy Balls"...
Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth's watering just thinking about those Balls!
Teri Rialto: It's been years since I've seen any Balls.
Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?
Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.
[ Pete places a tray of Balls on the control board ]
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls..
Margeret Jo McCullen: They're bigger than I expected.
Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.
Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri - the way they glisten.
Pete Schweddy: That's because make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil.
Margeret Jo McCullen: I can't help but, notice, Pete - your Balls are a little misshapen.
Pete Schweddy: That's because I rested them on a hot stove too long.
Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls?
I can see the ad:
College Kid to another college kid: "I'm going to go out and get smashed, you want to join me?"
Hulk: Hulk Smash!
Announcer: Do you **really** want to get smashed? Think again.
Not sure if the commercial would have its desired effects...
It occurs to me that we have an opportunity to make a point regarding censorship.
Let's launch a letter writing campaign to the FCC over this comercial. If it went far enough we could then drop it and point out how stupid cencorship is using this case as an example.
We'd be famous. For something like 42 seconds.
Regards,
Mitch Evans
Well, on the back of some Harry and James-type catalogue was a holiday decoration called Kissing Balls. It was a cluster of holly berries and you hung it up instead of mistletoe.
Well, I showed it to my wife and said 'Do you like kissing balls?' She looked and responded 'yeah i do like kissing balls'. She then realized what she said and glared at me.
How could I forget? I once worked for a woman with the last name Schanck.
All I was saying that if someone misconstrued Hulk Smash in some ridiculous way, I'm sure, rather than saying that the phrase or the writer or the book was "out of touch," people would simply comment on how stupid the person who made the comment was. Jack in the Box has antenna balls. At Christmas they have reindeer balls. Shocking...what were they thinking?!?!?
I think it's more what *weren't* they thinking.
I suppose they could be commended for not having gutterbrains, but that's what marketing is for. They pay people to make sure they don't authorize an ad campaign that could damage the value of the company. An ad campaign that can be the butt of 12 year-old's jokes everywhere might not be such a good idea.
3 things:
"South Park"
Chef's chocolate salty balls!
"Futurama - Prof Farnsworth has asked the rest of the planet Express staff to get into his bed with him for privacy so he can show them something inportant. He has pulled the poster beds curtins"
Farnsworth - Feast your eyes on this!
Staff-- 0hhhhhh
Leela - Its beautiful
Amy - and hugggeeee!
Fry - Can I touch it?
Lastly in the city of Conway Arkansas ther is a real estate agency currently called Hennly Longing, However for years mainly the 90's that I am aware of It was called, and I sware to God! Dick Longing real estate. It even had a big rotateing sign. As if that wasn't enough less than 2 miles from there was a junk antique mall called one block long.
Jeff
Of course, any teacher who is home sick can look forward to coming back to a class roster list that will include heretofor unlisted students with names like Hugh Jass, Dick Fitzwell, Phil McCraken, and the Dover twins, Ben and Eileen.
From Noreason's edition of Win Tom Galloway's Money, one category was "Hulk smashed! Spidey's just blitzed!".
And re: Giant-Size Man-Thing. Recall that Peter wrote a scene in Captain Marvel featuring a naked man covering his naughty bits with a copy of G-SM-T.
An insurance billboard along Interstate 40 for years advertised the "Dick Longing Agency."
And, totally off the topic, has Cowboy Pete hung up his spurs?
Steve Leavell
Two of my personal favorites:
We used to have a second-run 99c movie theater here in Augusta, Georgia. It had two screens but would show four movies; two kids/family movies during the day, and more PG-13/R stuff at night. The marquees for each screen were unnaturally small... at one point they were playing "The Firm" and "Free Willy" on the same screen, but the marquee read "Firm Willy".
The other one continues to kill me to this day. Augusta hosts the Masters Tournament (the World Series of golf) every April. Across the street from the Masters' main entrance is what was once a strip mall but what is now the home of a Christian group, who renamed the mall "The Master's Plaza." (Get it? Masters? Master's? Anyone?). Maybe two or three years ago, they held their big revival event the same week as the Masters Tourney, so that all the golf fans entering the course couldn't help but see the huge electric sign advertising the "Fourth Annual HEALING EXPLOSION!"
No offense to the Christians in the audience, but I'm still trying to figure out exactly how a 'healing explosion' works.
-That OTHER John Byrne
I swear I'm not making this up, I still have the menu from an upscale Inn in Skaenateles, NY.
Under appetizers, their menu reads:
"Potato Skins: 2.95 loaded with bacon and cheddar, four skins--fried crisp and served with sour cream."
ewwww, perhaps their chef is some relation to Samson?
"Potato Skins: 2.95 loaded with bacon and cheddar, four skins--fried crisp and served with sour cream."
Did the waiter take tips?
Gerry, Bill;
I'd tell you to cut it out and knock it off, but that'd be a bit of a stretch. :)
I just had a document this morning to key for work with one of the people on it named "Richard Dangler".
But hey, I've actually had a death certificate for a woman named "Golden Rule". :)
I don't know if he's still around, but there used to be a Dr. A Cockburn in Tampa, FL; and yes, he did practice urology.
Brian
I have an ad on my office window that has a picture
a Disney tie-in with the caption "Collector Tubs from Huggies Natural Care Baby Wipes mean even more fun with Pooh!"
You can't make up that kind of shit.
I guess he is. Isn't the internet wonderful... you can find his bio here http://www.vasectomyreversals.com/
Brian
I hear the reindeer balls are cheap.
They're under a buck.
I live in a city with a large Asian community.
We have neon signs for Dr. Wang, gynecologist, and a Cafe Dung.
On one of the menus, they feature Deep fried Happy Family.
There's a local restaurant in my town that features "Buffalo chicken balls." One of the local DJs finds that name endlessly amusing.
For a few years we had a small company named "Hung Long Gay Cock and Duck Importing". I think someone had a talk with them, as recently it was changed to the (only somewhat) better "Hung Gay Enterprises".
Back in my college years I worked part-time at Wendy's. My manager made us say everytime we handed out a meal, "Have a nice day and remember, you've found the beef." To which of course the gals up front pummelled us without mercy about "our beef". I haven't eaten at a Wendy's in probably 10 years...
Earlier this year (or sometime last) McDonald's had Kim Possible toys for their Happy Meals. One of the toys (I don't remember the character's name) was the goofy blond white kid character (I don't have access to either cable or DirectTV so I can't veiw the show and see if this toy was characteristic of the character). The pose the toy designers chose for him was of him holding a huge (in relation to the size of the kid, anyway) crossbow at waist level with a big happy grin on his face. And when the crossbow was fired his pants came off, revealing red polka-dotted boxers. I'm still wondering how that one got through the screening process. . . . . . .
And speaking of funny movie marquees, HBO's "Not Necissarly the News" (anyone here remember THAT show?) had some segments that used real movie titles to have some marquee fun. The one I remember best was:
RED DAWN
+
BLUE THUNDER
=
PURPLE RAIN
Chris
This isn't really about misnamed products or businesses, but it's still something that should have been caught in the screening process. A company that makes Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 vibrating brooms, or something like that, recalled their entire line after learning some little girls spent way too much time on them.
Makes me think about a billboard featuring a man and a women sitting down for their supper.
PORK
The One You Love.
I'm not making this up.
Oh, and my Sunday school teacher was Dick Long.
