PeterDavid.net

"Superbowl fever! It's explosive!"

You're going for bad puns, right?

"What a whale of a way to go out with a bang!"

or

"Taiwaniese food can give you wicked explosive indigestion."

or

"Fight Club taught us that fat is best for explosives, but this is ridiculous!"

or

"Holy s-word, that whale just exploded and now we're all covered in blood, guts, and ...white, sticky tears?!"

That's a whale of a tale, man. A real killer. Kinda Kiki even. I Orca be ashamed of these, but I'm not. Bad puns are my porpoice in life.

(And if you think the last one shouldn't count, see the first entry at Dictionary.com) :)

Horrified observers described the scene as "gut wrenching."

You load 66 tons, what do ya get?

Another day's odor, and deep in the dead

They shoulda Moby Ducked.

"Thar she blows!"

I've heard of blowing a big load of sperm, but this is ridiculous...

Puns are for the weak!

If I was nearby when it happened, I would've said "Okay, who cut the cheese?"

Cause you know it had to have a fleshy farty sound.

Or maybe "Oh, snap, I hope my souffle didn't fall!"

Or how about "That would've made a much better ending for Magnolia. All that movie needed was an exploding whale. POW!"

Or the classic: "I didn't do it!"

But I think I would've gone with: "That's what you get for f***ing with the blubber!" and hefted my ample gut. "Don't mess, or I'll blow, baby!"

"Shamu Shampu, explosive cleaning power to help with all those sticky situations."

Or...

Patrick Stewart as Ahab: "From the depths of Hell, I stab at thee!"

Ishmael: "I think you should have used the harpoon instead of the phaser banks, sir."

Or...

"This place really IS the bowels of the earth! They're all over EVERYTHING!"

Or...

"Too bad this wasn't Japan... It would've been good for the sushi business."

Or...

"When Maalox comes too late..."

You know, I've heard of japanese food giving you gas. I've heard of the Japanese eating whales. I guess God really doesn't want us eating them! Sea what happens when you piss off Jehovah?

OR

I guess that wooden kid with the cricket said, "Screw getting out the other end! I'm getting out NOW!"

The opportunity to make more puns just WON'T LEAVE ME BE!!!

"Hey...! Where did Jonah get the nukes?"

"The amazing thing is, that particular block has both a sperm bank AND a donated organ distribution center."

Okay, so it's not a pun...

"There's something fishy about this mess..."

Headline: "Fluke Cetacean Explosion Results in Crushed Asians"

Ok, you have to say this in your best Dennis Miller voice:

Wow, the japanese haven't seen a money shot like that since Peter North started taking zinc. Talk about your free willy...hey, I'm OUTTA here!

I've always thought that lingering gases could cause sperm to explode.

2nd Headline: "Whale Flew Across Tainan; Nearby Starbucks Hit Hardest"

3rd Headline: "Better Fetch Them a Bucket: Taiwainese Get Jizzy With it in Whaling Explosion Clean Up; Moby to Play Benefit Concert"

4th Headline: "Dorrie Questioned in Whale Investigation; Says She "Can't Remember".

5th Headline: "Sperm Suddenly Easy to Come By in Tainan"

I have no pun; I merely point out that someone should alert Dave Barry as soon as humanly possible.

6th (and final, I swear) Headline:

"Peking Duck Saves Visiting Chinaman From a Whale of an Injury"

"Whale, I'll be! Bubba got sperm all over his face!"

Wrong country, I know, but it wouldn't work without a 'Bubba.'

Ok Folks. So Far George Grattan gets my vote for his Peking Duck.

Kathleen (the wife) David

Not a pun, so forgive me...

Next line in story:

"Not again!" exclaimed local resident Al Fiction. "That's the fourth one this month."

"I wanna dip my balls in it!"

Not so much a pun as a Vacant Lot reference, but still.

SEAN

Whale of a tale blows completely out of proportions.

Free Sushi. For a free sample, please bring a mop.

...well, that's life in the innard city.

Funny, I hadn't even heard that Starr Jones had died...

Man, that really rots. I mean, it's nice to give an endangered mammal a bit of a lift, but come on! Still, I suppose it lets everyone get in touch with their inner whale, so they all can feel a bit of the pressure. Though I bet it was Tainan up traffic for hours. Best not to truck with them whales. Well, life's a beach. Happy entrails to all!

Wow, I didn't even know Roy Scheider was in town!

Come ooooooon, it's cerebral

Grandpa Joe said "Burp!"

I guess that's what happens when you steal Fizzy Lifting Drinks. Now the ceiling (and floor... and walls... and furniture... and cars... and...) has to be washed and sterilized!

(Stunned voice) "Hello, Prudential?"

Bloated Whale Strikes Back

Whale Explodes; Taiwanese Prepare for Dinner

OK, my jokes suck, but I do have a link for anyone interested to an image of this, assuming the link works: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/040129/photos_od/mdf459693

Chris

Bloated Whale Strikes Back

Whale Explodes; Taiwanese Prepare for Dinner

OK, my jokes suck, but I do have a link for anyone interested to an image of this, assuming the link works: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/040129/photos_od/mdf459693

Chris

Suspecting terrorism, George Bush prepares to invade Atlantis!

France objects.

Damn, everyone took all my ideas. Whale then, I blubber be blowing!

66 ton spermicide bomber sends message for PETA... Stop illegal whaling or worse things will harpoon to you.

Bomber's final words: Life's a beach and then you die.

All's whale that ends whale.

This is the second time I've heard of a whale exploding. The Oregon Department of transportation blew one up about twenty years ago. The results were just as catastrophic. The local 11 o'clock news reported it. If someone wants to look for the link, it has been preserved on the Internet for posterity.

I lived in Oregon for a few years. Blowing up large dead mammals and broadcasting it on the news is just one reason why I had so much fun living up there.

Not so much a pun, but a question that came to mind after I first discovered this story:

I wonder what a natural whale explosion *sounds* like...

Wildcat

Another suicide bomber, when will the cycle of violence end?

Premature Eruption of Sperm Fills Up Lower Part of Tainan.

I go blue, baby. I go blue.

Premature Eruption of Sperm Fills Up Lower Part of Tainan.

Page Two. Sperm Whale, That Is.

I go blue, baby. I go blue.

I don't know about funny quotes for this, but I certainly see the image of a Taiwanese resting her straw broom against the doorway, and picking up, then ringing, a dinner triangle.

How 'bout these:

Taiwanese: "No, please DON'T pass THOSE potatos!!"

Taiwanese: "Oh yuk. I hate it when it grows that funny 'skin' on top."

Taiwanese: "Crap. I found a hair."

Ad in Taiwanese shop, the day after: "Whale you need a raincoat? We have 'em!"

...and there was NO mention of Vomit covering the streets? I'd have tossed my beans!

;)

For the conspiracy minded:

"Whalien autopsy foiled by rotten explosion."

Adding to the overpopulation problem:

"Giant Sperm explosion reported, jump in pregnancies expected."

And for all Hitchhiker's out there:

"Sperm whale splattered all over ground, mysterious bowl of petunias found at the scene."

Raphy

----"I wanna dip my balls in it!"

Not so much a pun as a Vacant Lot reference, but still.

SEAN

With pun...

"Gassy whale blows Tiawanese expectations. Local businesses struggle with limp reactions."

Without...

"Innocent sperm whale's demise a disappointment to the petunias."

Not a pun, but a reference:

"Lawd! LAAWWWWWD! Can you dig me in this here fish?!?"

(Of course, it helps if you're familiar with Lord Buckley ...)

In other sperm whale news, rememeber that "sea monster" whose dead body was found off the coast of Chile? Well, DNA tests have proven that it was ... a decomposed sperm whale.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/01/040122083507.htm

Which makes ME feel foolish; here *I* had thought it would turn out to be ... a decomposed whale shark. Boy, was *I* wrong!

"Sushi Terrorists Attack!"

Not exactly a pun, but...

"Usually the excitement happens before the sperm goes flying everywhere."

Of course, the worst part is that the street really *was* sticky afterwards...

Now that I think about it, too bad it didn't happen on a boat. Just think:

Spermicidal whale leaves deck covered with sea men.

PAD

Nothing fishy here, since whales are mammals. : )

I guess the whale had the last laugh on the way to be cut open at the autopsy? Talk about overkrill.

Did anyone think to check if the blowhole was clogged first?

"Admiral, there be whale here! And here! And over there! And...."

WMD: Whale of Messy Destruction

Must have been something he ate. Everyone told him he shouldn't listen to the waiter and have that wafer thin after dinner mint.

Headline:

Transportation frustration situation causation: Cetacean detonation

Punchline:

All right, who's the wise guy with the trick harpoon?

Alternate punchline:

(to street vendor) Cancel that order of krill!

Alternate alternate punchline:

I think we wound it up too tight.

Alternate alternate alternate punchline:

No guts, no gory.

Other:

What's that sound? It's called 'Air for a Tripe Organ.'

Other other:

It's not a fish, so there's really no point crying over spilt milt.

Obscure reference:

First time he saw Star Trek V, huh?

Pun:

A scotched pod ever soils.

WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?

(Ok, so it's a stretch... but the entrails remind me of a dead octopus...)

Star Trek V? I guess it would be obscure to involve whales in mountain climbing, Uhura dancing naked and wondering why God would need a starship.

So THATS where Saddam hid the WMDs.

(singing):

66-tons of sperm whale on the wall,

66-tons of sperm whale,

If one of those tons should happen to fall..

KABOOM!!!!

(okay, so it's not a pun, I couldn't resist, though I wonder if Sir Apropos was involved in this explosion too. You wouldn't do that Peter, would you?)

Sir Apropos Book Four: Whale and Hearty.

Or... the very long night of washing to get the stink out in Tainan...Or...Imzadi forever haiving that vacation just ruined by the memory. Or...I should just stop now

"Honey, looks like we're back in Wales", said the Welsh Tourist to his wife.

Newspaper Headline:

"Finding Nemo star succumbs to pressure of fame"

Sushi's on the house.

"Sometimes, you just can't anticipate these things", said a nearby flowerpot.

"Sperm whale splattered all over ground, mysterious bowl of petunias found at the scene."

Oh no, not again.

I wonder what the university study entrailed.

Well, it's not really a pun, but I think that a line from Homer really sums this up:

"Woo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly!"

Jonah in the whale:

What the *@#% was that?

WSJ3

Best as I can tell all the preceding 60 comments were from people with both an X and a Y chromosome. All you guys need to

grow up and get a life.

Those poor Taiwanese people, having to clean up so much whale residue. What they need is someone with a Taipei personality.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

So, if a whale's bowels explode, does that constitute a weapon of ass eruption?

Since this may not be in good taste; highlight at your own risk...

Dead Willy finds Happy-Ending while locals dodge sperm chunks to the face.

If there was ever a case for the pros of masturbation, this one is it.

"We're going to need a bigger truck..."

not a pun but a literary reference...

We have one exploding whale...where's the flowerpot?

Where will you be when your diarrea comes back?

Pinnochio II: The Revenge

Gee, Genevieve, seems to me that some of us might need to grow up and get a sense of humor.

No contribution from me, since the mildest retort I could offer is R-rated, and I see Genevieve from "Adults Against Funny Blogs" is already on the case...

Sounds like it's a real "sticky" situation... ;)

"Sperm whale splattered all over ground, mysterious bowl of petunias found at the scene."

OK, that one tops the list. If anyone's keeping count.

Bystanders had to Flee Willy.

OK - I guess this just goes to show that sometimes it's better to leave whale enough alone...

I am NOT against funny blogs at all. What I am against is arrested male development.

By the way, have you heard that the word "evolution" will be eliminated from Georgia textbooks and substituted with a vague euphemism? What other words could be eliminated and what could be put in their place?

Genvie

Okay, we've had at least 5 Hitchhiker's references. We GET it. It was funny when Douglas Adams wrote it and it was funny the first time here. Can we please stop making note of it?

And why has no one else commented on the casting of Mos Def as Ford, Zooey Deschanel as Trillian, and Martin Freeman as Arthur Dent?

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=598&ncid=600&e=8&u=/nm/20040129/film_nm/film_galaxy_dc

Are they sure it was a sperm whale? The reports make it sound like the explosion came out of the beluga.

Talk about your lack of intestinal fortitude.

This is the second time I've heard of a whale exploding. The Oregon Department of transportation blew one up about twenty years ago. The results were just as catastrophic. The local 11 o'clock news reported it. If someone wants to look for the link, it has been preserved on the Internet for posterity.

The reporter who covered the Oregon exploding whale -- and passed the tale on to Dave Barry -- has recently published a book which includes the story; you can find it here:

http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=8-1558687432-0

As for the pun, I'm hearing the astonished voice of Marvin the Martian:

"Oh, my -- now that was an Earth-shattering KABOOM!!"

Ok, I'll try.

The two guys cleaning this mess are having a conversation.

1st guy: "Whew, I just got great news."

2nd guy: "Oh yeah, we don't have to clean this?"

1st guy: "No. I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance."

BA-dum bum!

**Best as I can tell all the preceding 60 comments were from people with both an X and a Y chromosome. All you guys need to

grow up and get a life.**

PAD asks us for puns on an exploding whale, we do, and you come along and feel obliged to get all pruney around the lips about it...and WE need to get a life???

Wow, projection much?

---Best as I can tell all the preceding 60 comments were from people with both an X and a Y chromosome. All you guys need to grow up and get a life.---

Best I can tell, you're yet another person who believes their utter lack of a sense of humor equals refinement (No, it just makes you a bore).

I can't come up with better puns that those here, so I'll post a news story.

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/4096586

"TAIPEI - Residents of Tainan learned a lesson in whale biology after the decomposing remains of a 60-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours.

The 56-foot-long whale had been on a truck headed for a necropsy by researchers, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan.

Residents and shop owners wore masks while trying to clean up the spilt blood and entrails.

"What a stinking mess. This blood and other stuff that blew out on the road is disgusting, and the smell is really awful," a BBC News report quoted one Tainan resident as saying.

Taiwan Apple Daily via Reuters

The sperm whale was being carried by truck through Tainan.

The whale had died on Jan. 17 after it beached itself on the southwestern coast of the island.

Researchers at the National Cheng Kung University in Tainan said enough of the whale remained to allow for an examination by marine biologists.

Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen -- the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan -- drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported.

"More than 100 Tainan city residents, mostly men, have reportedly gone to see the corpse to 'experience' the size of its penis," the newspaper reported."

"More than 100 Tainan city residents, mostly men, have reportedly gone to see the corpse to 'experience' the size of its penis," the newspaper reported."

Part of me really wants to know how these guys were able to "experience" the size of the whale's penis. Luckily an even larger part of me doesn't.

"Gee, exploding sperm typically causes blood to stop flowing..."

Part of me really wants to know how these guys were able to "experience" the size of the whale's penis.

With this?

Maybe the university was going to use the sperm whale for immoral porpoises.

You see, there was a lion the state had hired to protect a handful of porpoises that had drunk the elixir of life, and using a helicopter, the university was going to carry the remains of the whale "cross the state lion for immortal porpoises"

How about: "ALL'S WHALE THAT ENDS WHALE"

i wonder if Demongate and the Raiden Corp had anything to do with this?

(yes i know that was Japan not Taiwan but work with me people)

"Best as I can tell all the preceding 60 comments were from people with both an X and a Y chromosome. All you guys need to

grow up and get a life."

Wow... Against males AND puns? Impresive.

For myself? I'm a girl, and I've found the comments to be very funny. If you don't like them, then fine. But others do, and they're not causing any harm, so lighten up!

How'sabout a swifty?

"Bloated Sperm Whale Blew," ejaculated by passerbys.

Well, these XX chromosomes think the contributions have been hilarious. You guys are funny. I bet you're all cute, too. :)

Keep it up, guys. Er ...

So you couldn't go more than two feet without encountering some white sticky substance . . .kind of like riding in the back of Madonna's limo on a saturday night

OR

Save the Whales . . .too late.

Can you imagine sitting at one of those outside restauraunts and having asked the waiter to take your soup back becuase there was a hair in it or something and then - POOSHKA!-

or

Four hours later the driver of the truck fell back to Earth.

or

Wow - when was the last time that Whale got laid?! Talk about your pent up frsutration.

I've come up with a pun, but if I share it, you'll all think I'm a dork.

Well, with all my puns already taken, I can still offer this homage to one of Scotty's lines in Star Trek IV:

"Captain! There be whale smear!"

Cheers, Jon

I'm just curious you guys DO realize thats it's a sperm whale that exploded right and not some whale sperm.......

The trick to a good pun is to avoid the obvious comments and catch someone off guard with a play on words.

Some of you know this I see , and some well er, uhm , well, nevermind

um - people were just goofin "Blah Blah Blah"

I didn't see you come up with something UN-obvious . . .

well . .waiting . . show us your razor sharp wit, twit

first off, I am not the same person as "wolfe"

My bad attempt at a pun:

This is why they have banks for this kind of thing.

Get it - sprem bank? Oh, never mind. I'm not good at this.

2 more now that computer is back online:

Punchline:

Anybody interested in buying a 200-pound Tums?

Moral:

Always double-check your carrion baggage.

Hmm, guess I don't get the pun. :P

Whale, what with the occasion being what it was it entrailed plenty of people coming round to chew the fat, so to speak. It spermed much discussion about the dangers of being a tightass. Something about taking deep breaths followed by letting it all out.

One wonders at what poetry had been going on in the head of Poet Master Porpoise the Not-So-Flatulant for his intestines to attempt to throttle it's brain. Of course, it was several hours delayed and the intestines leaped in a very not straight-up-though-the-neck sorta way, but it's the thought that counts. Perhaps he was trying to explode onto the transspecies poetry scene.

I suppose this means that you can lead a whale to land but you can't make it speak. It seems obvious he was just dieing to tell us something. Maybe he was a frustrated artist and this was his piece de la resistance. For the locals this performance piece was served up as a piece de la delicious.

Man #1: " There's sonething fishy about all this."

Man #2: "Nothing fishy here, since whales are mammals. : )"

Man #1: "Duh! I learned that when I was 7. But if you want to be picky..."

Man #1 to Woman at Counter: "Mammal have that order to go. I want to eat at the entrails rather than here, the beginning trails."

The whale couldn't help himself... he came all over the beach.

The trick to a good pun

You must have missed something, cause PAD asked for lousy puns. :)

The local paper had a great caption for there headline

Moby ICK!

The local paper had a great caption for THEIR headline

Moby ICK!

Jeez. All because I took pain killers for my aching back

"Bystanders were bludgeoned with pieces of flying whale flesh. They were black and beluga all over..."

Not for nuthin, but the news said the whale died on January 17th. Did they just poke it with sticks for 2 weeks, seems that the local university might have moved on this a bit sooner.

I gotta see the crew that put it on the damn truck in the first place.

Truck Driver heard to say

"I thought they smelled bad... on the outside"

The local janitor expressed his dislike of having to clean up whale innards. He hated their guts.

The truck driver also commented, saying that it was not his intention to paint the town red.

Local children, frightened by the explosion, whaled in fear.

Law enforcement authorities have issued several cetaceans to the responsible parties.

Some fear that the incident will gut the local economy.

...showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours

- Next time perhaps they'll pack those organs in boxes instead of a dead whale.

- I've heard of public showers, but this is ridiculous.

"66 tons of WHAAAAAAAAT? Oh, sperm whale... I thought you said something else."

That much sperm whale all over the place? Sounds like he blew a seal.

--

Looks like Jonathan Frakes will have to wait for another specimen for the first episode of "Whale-ian autopsy"

--

At least the marks aren't sperminant.

--

I thought that whale looked like he was humping the truck.

--

I TOLD you to go before we left!

--

NO!!!! I said if you were bored to HUM!

I never claimed to be any better i was just Explaining the difference between Jokes and puns sorry didn't mean to strike a Nerve.

BUt regardless here my attempt

Uhm i thought the Whaling wall was in Isreal.

how about

" Sorry Charlie "

Before i get called a rascist it's the Starkiss tuna commercial not a slang for Asian remark

What you what me to pay for the Sushi when all this free Willy outside?

or a punchline

And thus Charles retained his title as the Prince of Whales

This is a new low for Islamic suicide bomber recruitment!

It's not a pun, but what I thought when I read the story was "The Oregon Highway Department is trying to breed more of these."