Originally published May 4, 2001, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1433
There are certain rules that govern readers of superhero comics and the comics themselves. Certain things that are simply “understood” as not being something one discusses in polite company. A sort of “Extraordinary Gentlemen’s Agreement,” if you will. However, I do not now, nor have I ever claimed, to be a gentleman, so I figured I’d mention the top ten topics which we generally gloss over when reading comics:
1) The Invisible Woman is blind. Here is a character who, according to the Marvel Universe Handbook, bends light waves around herself, thus rendering her invisible to the naked eye. Here’s the problem: If light waves are being bent around her, then that means light isn’t reaching her eyes. But that’s how people see: Light reaches the eye and the images are processed by the brain. If Sue Richards is—through benefit of the cosmic rays—causing light to veer away from her, then there’s no way that she could possibly perceive the world around her. Naturally, Sue can just start shouting, “Helloooo! Where is everybody?! Where’d you all go?!” That would, unfortunately, undercut the whole “no one can see her” thing, because, y’know, if she’s hollering like that, the Super Skrull or Doc Doom or whomever will be able to take her out pretty easily.
2) Superman has a lousy sex life. This was something John Byrne touched on with an invulnerable character in the late, lamented NeXt Men, but it bears repeating. Here’s a guy who is not bothered by bullets bouncing off him. It’s not like when you wear a bulletproof vest, and the impact of bullets can knock you on your butt and even break ribs, but at least you’re alive. This is a man who doesn’t feel a thing. It causes about as much sensation as being pelted with cotton balls. So how much fun can he possibly be having with Lois? He’s the man of steel. If she kisses him, he won’t feel the warmth of her lips against him… anywhere. Foreplay? Forget it. He shouldn’t be able to detect her hands running along his skin, because he can’t even feel pellets of lead traveling at high speed. As for the actual act? Well, friction is certainly a big plus when you’re engaged in it. You think a standard issue Trojan can dull pleasure? Superman is a Trojan horse. With the amount of sensation he’s able to withstand without it tripping any sort of switches in his mind, it’d be like wearing six or seven prophylactics at one time. How worked up can one possibly get under the circumstances? He’s not feeling anything. He wouldn’t know whether he’s coming or going, so to speak. For that matter, I doubt that Kara Zor-El was anything other than frigid. Considering she’s dead, maybe she’s the lucky one.
3) The only couple in comics history with a lousier sex life than Superman and Lois were Ben Grimm and Alicia Masters. I don’t really have to spell this one out, do I?
4) Reed Richard could have just about any woman he wanted. Same with Elongated Man. Their body parts stretch, as long as they wish. I don’t think this one requires spelling out, either, except to note that—of the three main elastic guys in comics—two of them got married very early in their careers, indicating that even in the world of comics, women know a good thing when they see it and are very quick to grab it all for themselves. Plastic Man remains eligible, ladies, probably because he’s just too dámņëd weird, but I bet even he could see plenty of action if he were so inclined.
5) Gotham City should be crime free. Metropolis, too. For that matter, so should New York City. One of the great unanswered mysteries of comics is why in God’s name any villain anywhere would ever commit any crime in a city where superheroes make their homes. Yes, of course, there are certain guys for whom it’s a given: The Joker, for example, would never think of relocating to Dayton, Ohio. He needs the Batman to give his own crimes validity. And the Flash’s rogue’s gallery made it their collective life’s ambition, not to commit crimes, but to beat the Scarlet Speedster. I’m fine with that. But why is there any such thing as petty theft? Why would anyone want to engage in any crime, from pickpocketing to bank robbery, when at any given moment they could be nailed by a spider web from overhead, or a Batarang, or Captain America’s shield? At least a cop car you can see a mile off, whereas superheroes tend to leap out at you from the shadows. What’s the point? What’s the purpose? There’s thousands of cities in this country, in the world. Why should anyone try to conduct illicit business in the heart of superhero central? When was the last time you saw petty criminals going out of their way to break into houses next door to a police station? Criminals are concerned about two things: Robbing people, and getting away with it. If they’re in a town where paranormal individuals are threatening the latter priority, then they’ll go where the crime is easier, just as they’ll bypass a car with the Club or visible alarm systems in favor of something less protected. When Spidey swings around the city looking for crimes to photograph, he should be coming up empty. The amount of work these guys have to do should be shrinking exponentially the longer they’re in action.
6) Superman’s X-Ray Vision Should be Outlawed. Here’s a guy with a power that presents a threat on several levels. Number one, he’s a walking privacy issue. Who wants a guy around who can see through your clothes? Superman should be a walking target for sexual harassment suits, just from women saying, “I didn’t like the way he was looking at me!” Number two, there are people who cannot and should not be exposed to X-Rays. What if Superman is scanning a building looking for criminals and his x-rays imperil the fetus of a pregnant woman? What if they interfere with a pacemaker? I’m surprised that, at the very least, a court order hasn’t been issued against him.
7) The Flash is Unbeatable. Think about all the times you’ve heard about people being killed on railroad tracks. You would think that it’s a method of death that would the easiest thing in the world to avoid. You don’t want to be hit by a train? Easy: Stay off the tracks when the train is coming. The problem is, more often than not, people think they can get across the track before the train gets to the crossing. They see it coming, think, “Oh, it’s not coming that fast,” and try to beat it. Except the train’s actually moving a lot faster than it looks at first glance, and it gets there sooner than expected. And the train’s only moving… what? Forty, fifty miles per hour? Sixty, maybe? Now think about the Flash: Last I heard, he can motor at over two thousand miles per hour. Two thousand. Miles. Per hour. And that’s Wally West, who’s slower than Barry Allen was. Now think about all the times a villain has said, “It’s the Flash!” and gone for a weapon. It’s absurd. Even if you’re lucky enough to see him coming (i.e., you Just So Happen to be looking in the right direction), the moment you spot him, it’s all over. For argument’s sake, let’s say he’s a mile off when you notice a red blur heading your way. The Flash is moving at thirty three miles per minute. That’s about… what? Half a mile a second? That’s twice the speed of sound (admittedly, the crook could be alerted to the Flash’s presence by the sonic boom his cruising speed would cause, but that’s not going to help him much.) From the moment the crook sees him coming to the point where he gets out the sentence, “It’s the Flash!,” that’s gotta be about two, maybe three seconds at the very least. By that point the word “It’s—” is out of the guy’s mouth, the Flash is already there. By the time he manages to say “—the—”, the Flash has already flattened him with a dozen punches. He simply can’t be beaten, because the moment a bad guy spies him, he’s finished before his brain can fully process the information. This is one of the reasons why speedster characters drive me nuts; because if you play them to their logical limit, no one can stand against them. The one exception to that is Impulse, because he’s so easily distracted, which is why I don’t mind having him in Young Justice. Other than him, though, forget it.
8 ) The Inhumans never get a good night’s sleep. If you knew that there was a guy slumbering down the hallway who could annihilate the place if he happened to talk in his sleep, would you get much shut-eye?
9) You’ll believe a man can fly. No. He can’t.
10) Dressing up like a bat just isn’t that scary. I’m sorry, it’s not. It’s just kinda weird. Criminals aren’t that superstitious or cowardly, especially when they’ve got guns in their hands. And if you’ve got a bolt of cloth hanging on your back slowing your mobility, the odds of you dodging bullets from those non-cowardly crooks are pretty darned slim.
Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.
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I’m guessing the Human Torch has vision problems, too. The heat probably makes everything around him look blurry, the same way things seem to waver when heat rises off the pavement on a scorching day.
#7 is the one that regularly bothers me. It applies to Superman, also. The only reason anyone every lasts more than half a page against Superman is that he regularly forgets about most of his powers and almost always forgets that he has super speed.
Me, too. DC made the right call way back when to ratchet down both Superman and Flash’s abilities after the Crisis (when Wally took over), but they’ve steadily jacked them both back up until Superman is back to moving planets and he and Flash are faster than light. Functionally, both are practically omnipotent (F=MA), and having them face off against anybody that’s not a god is absurd.
Quicksilver used to be more of a couple of hundred MPH kind of guy, but Marvel’s allowed power creep to get to him, too. I’m not sure where he is now, but they’ve shown him circling the globe in minutes, etc.
I’m not sure why the publishers allow this. AS PAD notes, it really limits story potential, instead of increasing it.
I always wanted to see a comic in which someone says to Batman, “Um, criminals aren’t a cowardly lot. They’re actually pretty brave. It takes guts to rob a bank. I sure as hëll couldn’t do it.”
I think #5 is slightly more acceptable for smallish crimes, on the assumption that Batman and Superman would probably be involved with bigger crimes than many “small” ones. (Heck, Superman could even be off-planet at any given time.) Is Superman really going to ignore a giant rampaging robot to stop a jewelry store heist? Would Batman be concerned with pickpocketing if the Joker is loose and presumably plotting new ways to kill lots of people? And, as with many criminals in the real world, there’s often the assumption that they can get away with it anyway (like a shoplifter in a store with both cameras and security guards).
Also, #2 would extend beyond sex lives (I refer everyone to Larry Niven’s excellent essay “Man of Steel, Woman fo Kleenex”) to everyday activities. I believe Superman can lift over 100 tons: How could he use a typewriter, or hold a pen, or shake someone’s hand, without destroying it? And since invulnerable skin doesn’t move (which is why heroes with it don’t look like silly putty when being shot with machne guns), shouldn’t anyone who touches them (whether a handshake, hug, or accidental bumping) feel like they’re touching a statue?
You can hold a pen, use a typewriter, and shake someone’s hand as well as lift heavy objects because you can modulate your strength to the task at hand. Same deal with Superman, except he has a much larger range.
Indeed, #7 is all too true. Look at Quicksilver: not the brightest bulbs around, yet he routinely gave the entire X-Men (minus Prof X it’s true) a hard time. The only reason they ever won against him is if they got very lucky, or he did something monumentally stupid.
To quote Leonard from THE BIG BANG THEORY, “True dat.” This was shown very well in X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST when Quicksilver is able to completely neutralize a hail of bullets as Professor X, Magneto, and Wolverine can barely react.
It remains to be seen how they handle this is the upcoming FLASH tv series.
Problem now is, topics like the above crop up so often in online forums now that their constant discussion is making it hard for some fans to suspend their disbelief and actually enjoy super-hero comics. If I have to listen to one more argument on how Batman is responsible for the Joker’s victims because Batman won’t kill the Joker, I swear I’ll scream. These sorts of arguments used to be funny, but they’ve become so ubiquitous now that they’ve become a stick used to beat comics fans with.
This is why the No-Prize was invented. Awarded to fans who don’t just point to a mistake, but explain why it isn’t really one after all. I’m quite proud of the one I earned off John Byrne (pointed out that, yes, Northstar did have human-normal reflexes as Byrne had written, but only until his super speed kicked in and then he’d have reflexes to match) and let’s see if I can get another here.
Sue Storm bends light around herself, yes. But what if that’s only visible light? Have they shown her to be vulnerable to heat sensors? I think so. And, if that’s the case, then perhaps her ‘mutation’, for want of a better word, include giving her the ability to see into the infrared which isn’t affected by her invisibility power. Things would look a touch bizarre (anyone here having taken colour infrared photos will know what I mean) but she’d get used to it fast enough is my guess.
I always liked how the TV show “The Invisible Man” (the 2000ish version) dealt with his vision: he no longer saw using normal light, but via another (normally non-visible) band of light. It was always weird when they showed stuff through his eyes.
As I recall, Mark Waid did a whole scene where Reed explains that Sue can “see” cosmic rays the way normal people see visible light when she’s invisible. But they bypass her rods and cones, so she doesn’t see in color.
In the question of Superman and invulnerable characters, I’m not sure that’s how it would work. Pain is a distinct sensation, represented by distinct receptors. An enhanced resistance to pain would not necessarily mean the ability to feel any other kind of sensation would be inhibited. There are people who, because of a rare nuerological disorder, can’t feel pain, and the only other thing thing it inhibits is an ability to accurately judge tepmperature.
I’ve never seen Sue give an indication that things look weird when she turns invisible. Whenever I feel the need to think about this beyond “It’s her superpower and she’s got to be able to see or it doesn’t work,” I got with one of these.
1) Assuming Sue is bending light through an act of will, she has to have some sort of subconscious awareness of the photons that she’d bending around herself to make them move away from her at the proper angle. So somehow her mind takes that subconscious awareness and interprets it as normal vision.
2) We assume the Sue renders herself truly transparent and that light simply passes right through her. I like this variant better as I think it jibes better with it being harder for her to make normal clothes that or other objects that haven’t been treated with unstable molecules invisible. This one’s harder to explain, but I still fall back on some sort of pseudo-pschic awareness of the light that moves through her that her brains turns back into normal vision.
I like these versions as they are basic variants of “her power is to be invisible so she has to be able to see or it’s a crappy power.”
I thought of my own explanation for Sue being able to see, but I like her being able to see infra-red. It’s elegant, and it has potential as a sub-power. Are there any cold-blooded shape changers out there? There could be a story where everyone is fooled until Sue goes invisible in his presence, then Sue notices his heat signature isn’t human.
I always assumed that Sue had some form of extrasensory perception that allowed her to see while invisible. This also allowed her to see things that were invisible, as demonstrated in one of the Alan Davis FF’s shortly after The Return.
The bigger question would be how people she makes invisible would be able to see. In the Ultimate FF, Sue would make retinas invisible to blind people (zombies, in the one example I’m thinking) but Sue mainstream makes people invisible all the time without turning them blind. Some sort of telepathic extension of her ESP?
There are so many different examples that it’s hard to form a unified theory. Reminds me when I used to propose to fellow Trekkers that only Vulcans can do the nerve pinch because it’s actually a telepathic shock delivered through proximity to the brachial plexus in the neck/shoulder (vs. the mind meld, where contact is made through the trigeminal nerve branches which connect directly to the brain). I thought I had a pretty good working theory … till Data did it in TNG, blowing that out of the water!
Mine was always “where does the extra 850 lbs. come from that gets packed onto The Hulk?”
Probably from the material around him, just the way Fritz Leiber described it in on of his Lankhmar books (don’t remember the title, but it had to do with an infestation of rats).
As for Superman not feeling anything, let'”s remember that the big guy has super-senses. He’s been seen to use super-hearing, super-vision, super-smell, why not super-taste and super-touch ? In fact, I believe that he feels much more than us the same way he can see and hear much more than us. Including sensing where his lover’s erogenous zones are. His invulnerability must be due to a forcefield, just like the ones used in Evangelion (and BTW, if anybody has understood the last episode, please explain it to me).
I like the take on that question that the writers of the Wild Cards novels came up with: superhumans who inexplicably bulk up are converting energy in their immediate vicinity into mass, causing local electrical disruptions up to and including power blackouts in their immediate vicinity.
I’ve always wondered who no one bothered to tell Spider-Man that the way he shoots his web is also the sign language symbol for “I love you”. That’d be HILARIOUS.
These are fun for a while, but has the world forgotten the concept of “Suspension of disbelief”?
This is strange…the post shows there are 20 comments, I have an RSS feed showing me there are new comments, but whenever I come back to the article, I can only see the original 6 comments? Any thoughts anyone?
Weird, once I posted, I could see them all…
Yeah, I usually have to clip the stuff after the article title from the URL to get all the comments to show lately.
That’s been a problem with the site for a few years now. I usually have to click Shift-F5 to get the new comments to show up. Sometimes that doesn’t even work.
Yeah, I just had it showing ONE comment, and that was it. Which I knew was wrong lol Ended up clicking on the article title, and that seemed to have done the trick (reloading didn’t do anything, didn’t try refreshing.)
I just refresh the page. The new comments always show up that way.
‘Admittedly, the crook could be alerted to the Flash’s presence by the sonic boom…’
Nope. That would only happen if the Flash ran past him first. The shockwave that causes the sonic boom would form a ‘V’ shape that follows behind the Flash. So if the Flash is approaching, he would arrive BEFORE the sonic boom does.
As for Sue’s blindness, during their first appearance, the Puppet Master sent Alicia to infiltrate the Baxter Building while disguised (poorly) as Sue. I always wondered how he could think that a blind girl who’d never been in the Baxter Building before could possibly wander around there without anyone catching on. Maybe he was just operating under the assumption that Sue would have to be blind as well. (Although, since Alicia would necessarily be visible the entire time, he clearly wasn’t thinking the plan through.)
Plus, the only way that the Flash can generate a sonic boom is if he’s running faster than the speed of sound. So by definition, he’ll get there before the boom.