We all know it’s going to tank. People have been gunning for this film because they still haven’t forgiven the Wachowskis for the two “Matrix” sequels. This despite their fantastic work on “Speed Racer,” a film that screenwriter Josh Olson correctly described as a litmus test for your inner child.
Is it a perfect film? God, no. The film plays like a drinking game where you toss back a shot every time a classic SF trope plays across the screen. The only one they miss, surprisingly, is Sean Bean dying (he actually lives.) The dialogue is so bizarrely mannered that at times it seems like they brought in Jack Kirby on an Ouija board to do a pass on the film.
But you know what? Screw it. In a day and age where we complain that so many films are prequels or sequels, the Wachowskis have taken World Building 101 to a delirious level, cast it with actors who seem game through the most absurd sequences imaginable, and have produced a special FX extravaganza that features dynamic chases, fantastic outer space adventures, and an actual reason why there’s so many dámņëd human looking aliens out there. Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum do their best with two people who, in the midst of endless running and fighting, fall in love for zero reason: Kunis is an outer space princess born with the same DNA set as another long-dead princess, and Tatum is a human/wolf mix whom Kunis appears to adore because she likes dogs. And Eddie Redmayne is just flat out insane as the perpetually whispering bad guy, 1/3 of a brother/brother/sister combo that must have made Thanksgiving dinners extremely memorable get togethers.
A combination of “Dune,” “Star Wars,” and a seriously drug induced haze, “Jupiter Ascending” should be experienced on the big screen because it’s frankly too big for a small screen. People who are likening it to “Battlefield Earth,” a truly horrendous movie, are simply wrong. Go in there with the right mindset and it’s a perfectly entertaining way to kill a couple of hours while we’re all waiting for the next “Star Wars” movie so we can tear that apart.
PAD
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Thanks for this PAD!
Saw this yesterday as I’d been anticipating it since the first trailers hit and was gutted when it got bumped to this year instead. Despite all the negativity in other reviews I read I agree wholeheartedly with you: If people don’t go and see a film that takes world-building to a frankly ludicrous level, then they can’t moan when all Hollywood throws out are reboots, remakes & sequels.
And yes, they missed a trick letting Sean miss getting Bean’d….
I think the “I love dogs. I’ve always loved dogs” bit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIJzk20Hs6o is the clunkiest attempt at romantic dialogue on the big screen in a long time.
It also brought these bizarre thoughts to mind: After Mila’s declaration, I wanted to hear her continue, “When I was younger, I had this beautiful dog, and one time I took some peanut butter and spread it on my, well, never mind.” And if there’s a romantic scene with her and Channing Tatum at the end, she could whip out a jar of peanut butter. To paraphrase George Carlin, these are the sorts of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.
What’s missing from your criticism is that, right after Jupiter makes that comment and Caine leaves, she pretty much berates herself for saying it.
It IS a clunky line, but how many times have we seen films (or TV shows) where some GUY is dumbstruck when he finds himself face-to-face with an attractive woman and he says something incredibly stupid? That is, if he’s actually able to make something more than gurgling noises.
Are we supposed to believe that women are ALWAYS so poised and self-confident that they can come up with romantic pearls of wisdom when they’re face to face with an attractive guy? In the context of the film, it’s actually kind of charming because it IS such a clunky line.
Exactly. It’s supposed to be clunky; she’s unsure of herself and way out of her element and grasping at straws to keep the only person she really knows in this bizarre situation close to her.
Hands down the most interesting review of a movie. I plan on seeing the movie at some point – it looks interesting. I haven’t seen much of the Wachowskis work other than the Matrix movies and Speed Racer (loved it). I usually give directors, writers, etc. a few chances before calling it.
I agree heartily! I went in knowing the reviews weren’t the best, but some critics I like said some nice things. I like Kunis. I like Tatum. I like Bean. The action scenes were awesome and really made me want to go roller skating. It’s not as deep as Cloud Atlas, but it was probably a nice way to throw back and have fun before doing something else much more serious.
Did you see it in 3-D? Was it worth the extra ticket cost? (Love 3D but it comes out too dark all too often)
It looks like something I will like…but look. I know we should not judge a film by it’s cost but for 200 million is it too much to ask that the dialogue not provoke laughter? I’m not trying to suck up here but at this point it’s obvious that some writer/directors have an ear for dialogue (Tarantino) and some, for all their gifts, do not. (The Wachowski siblings). So why not let someone like PAD or Whedon, or the Coens or Sorkin, take a gander at it? And yes, I consider PAD’s gift for making dialogue sound both clever and real on par with the others I listed.
It’s too important a part of the film to shrug off and this is too serious a project to count on the audience embracing silly dialogue as an homage to Saturday matinee serials. This was supposed to be a tent pole franchise (which is why Bean lives, for the sequel we will never get).
Come to think of it, their early work BOUND had decent dialogue and characterization. MATRIX worked just fine. So how did they let this out with dialogue that even the POSITIVE reviews single out for criticism ?
Here you’ve hit on why good sci-fi is so hard to write: it has to be good at both world-building and at dialogue/characterization. Succeed at the first and not the latter, you have a clunky work that’s probably adored by at least some sci-fi fans, but considered a failure by the broader audience (too many examples to list, but stuff like Dune and Krull come to mind). You can probably get away with the reverse, but the work won’t be taken seriously as sci-fi (think, e.g., The Princess Bride). Doing both is really hard.
That said, this may explain some of the hostility to the Star Wars prequels: they sucked at world building (at least when compared to the original trilogy—see, e.g., midichlorians) and the dialogue is notoriously awful.
The dialogue in the original Star Wars was notoriously awful as well though, so…
Heh. I think it was Ford who said “You can’t really say this – you can only type it.” And the three principals threatened to tie Lucas in a chair and read his dialog to him…
was the dialogue in STAR WARS really all that bad? It was unambitious and workmanlike but I don’t know that Mamet in space would have worked as well. Given its modest aims, the dialogue worked as a homage to the serials it was, uh, homaging.
I wonder if the actors succeeded in getting changes?
Phantom Menace, now THAT was some poor dialogue.
@ Bill Mulligan: was the dialogue in STAR WARS really all that bad?
“a more wretched hive of scum and villany”
‘Nuff said.
“a more wretched hive of scum and villainy”
See, that actually works for me, given the character and the actor delivering it.
Larger than life dialogue can work…imagine the dialogue of THE GODFATHER spoken by the actors in THE OSCAR. Now imagine Harlan Ellison’s dialogue in THE OSCAR performed by better actors than Tony Bennett…
Even great dialogue sounds like terrible dialogue when the wrong people read it. Something like RAISING ARIZONA or the TRUE GRIT remake would sound like nails on chalkboard with a different cast
The 3D was quite good — pretty much seamless (actually worked better than some of the digital effects where it’s pretty obvious the sky-skating Tatum is added to the Chicago skyline in low resolution).
It’s so pretty, you may not realize the lack of story until you leave: things happen, then splodey things, then more pretty things happen, then pretty splodey things happen, then the good guys live happily ever after. They must have run out of the budget before the got to purchase any sequitors.
And while there is plenty of stuff that is silly (an elephant-faced crewmember named (ga)Nesh, anime-styled bounty hunters), there’s very little *fun* — everyone is very serious and dour. This is what keeps it on the level of Lynch’s Dune, versus Besson’s 5th Element.
I really enjoyed Speed Racer. I attribute it’s reputation to the notion that if a film doesn’t finish in the top three of it’s opening week, that it’s crap. I put it in the same category as John Carter and the Lone Ranger. Not perfect films, certainly, but all pretty entertaining.
Let me say, though, I am seriously wearied by human-wolf hybrids, werewolves, and human/animal combinations in general. If you remove the element of mysticism and primordial fear, you get a critter with enhanced hearing and sense of smell that’s likely gonna be a bit off kilter if not in a pack and will probably want to sniff your butt.
Although he’s a wolf/human hybrid, his wolfed attributes are pretty modest. No fangs, no claws, no fur. He has pointed ears and kicks ášš; that’s pretty much it. They could’ve said he was half elf and the character would’ve been the same.
PAD
I’ll say also that I came away from Speed Racer thinking that Matthew Fox, who played Racer X, would make a credible Batman. He had the voice and manner down perfectly.
If this film does not help establish Pairs Speed Skating as an Olympic event, I don’t know what will.
~f
Couldn’t make it past fifteen minutes of the live-action Speed Racer – but, then, i could never make it past five minutes of the original.
The first Matrix was okay, despite having been done before – and better – in print over and over since the Thirties. But The Thirteenth Floor handled much the same material a lot better, the same year. (Didn’t hurt that Dan Galouye’s novel was pretty good and they adapted it well.)
I’ll likely see Jupiter Ascending – it looks so batshit crazy that it might be fun – but after Speed Racer i may decide to wait for the DVD.
It seems like a film I would want to see, but the Wachowskis only have two films in their resume that didn’t disappoint me. Kind of an uphill slog motivation-wise.
PAD, methinks you missed your true calling as a film reviewer. The mark of a great review involves setting the expectations of the potential viewer, while avoiding needlessly disparaging the film. A great review also engages and entertains the reader, but not at the expense of the film. You have confirmed that Jupiter Ascending is an entertaining roller coaster ride with unexpected twists and turns that is severely diminished if seen on the small screen. I plan to see the film when I’m in the right mind set.
I plan to see it. Tropes are tropes for a reason. Doesn’t mean they’re bad. Peter, when I first met you at a signing, waaaay back in ’93 (if I remember right), I mentioned Imzadi was the best book I’d ever read (and while I’d have to stop and think really hard whether it still is, as I’ve read many more books since then, it’s definitely still in the very, very top handful) you commented that I apparently hadn’t read much. At that point, I owned well over a thousand books, and at least as many comics. I’ve been a hunter for and connoisseur of good storytelling my whole life. Simple or complex, well-worn or original.
You called yourself a hack (hopefully at least half-jokingly), and I said — and maintain — that if you ARE a hack, you’re a dámņëd good one. I own a copy of all your books (in hardcover, where available) and nearly all your comics, and intend to keep that up. I have friends who enjoy Star Trek well enough, but only read your New Frontier books. And many more anecdotes like that. As for the Wachowskis… While I wish they’d gone a different direction than they did with the rest of the Matrix series, I love that first film — and even then, it’s a pretty standard story. The latest iteration (at the time) of the Hero’s Journey. While I wish they’d quit riding the coattails of that now-sixteen-year-old film, I have no problem with them looking for new and enjoyable ways to present familiar elements.
I don’t think Sundance was a good venue for such, though. >_>
Also, I follow actors whose work I like, same as I do authors. I love Sean Bean and his work and own quite a good cross-section of it (there are some of his films that I enjoyed, but not so much as I want to watch them over and over). It should be noted that he lives in more of them than those in which he dies. 😉
I think it was the folks at Gainax, the Japanese Animation company that made, among other things, Neon Genesis Evangelion and FLCL, that said they felt it was better to tell a good story than any original story. Originality is great, but a good story is always a good story. Originality without quality is just novelty.
I so wanted to like this film when I saw the first trailer for it last year, largely because it looked so beautiful, that I took snapshots from it to put in my Special FX folder. When I learned of the recent word of mouth that it wasn’t that good, I wanted to believe that maybe I’d like it anyway, even though I feared otherwise, but since my friend wanted to see it, we went.
In short, I didn’t care for any of these characters, and I didn’t understand the relationships or motivations among the royals very clearly (though it became a bit clearer at the end), which for me, is a kiss of death with any story.
There was also no tension for me with any of the action scenes. This movie layers so many Magicaly Sci-Fi Technologies on top of one another in undisguised deus ex machina fashion, that I never have any fear that any of the good guys will die, and if it’s not technology, then it’s a Convenient Last Second Rescue by allies. Falling from a building? Doesn’t matter. The male lead has boots that allow him to fly. Ejected into space from an airlock by a baddie who taunts that there’s no way to survive this? Oh, did we mention that the airlock was filled with little boxes that when you slap ’em on your chest, cause a spacesuit to magically appear around your body? Oxygen running out? No problem, there’s a ally’s ship appearing out of nowhere at literally the last minute. It got to the point where, when one character was hanging off a collapsed balcony over a burning cityscape below, I felt zero tension or suspension of disbelief regarding whether that character would be scooped up by Magic Tech.
I’ll admit that I like Kunis and Tatum enough that by the end of the film there was some slight desire on my part to see them survive at the end, but for the most part, I really did not care.
And what a waste of Eddie Redmayne. After a brilliant turn by him playing Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything, here he is reduced to little more than a screaming spoiled brat. When he yelled at an underling to go do his bidding at the top of his lungs, I cringed.
The good news for those of you out there is that even if 22% of critics on Rotten Tomatoes liked it, 51% of viewers did, so you have a 50/50 chance of liking it.
But if you really want to see a film with Eddie Redmayne that you’re more likely to like, go watch The Theory of Everything.
Or The Imitation Game.
Or anything.
Important question: did you bring Caroline and/or would it have been appropriate to? My daughter and I both agree that we missed the ball big time listening to everyone else but you and not seeing John Carter or Speed Racer in on a big screen and we didn’t want to make the same mistake again.
Yes, Caroline was with us. She enjoyed it very much.
PAD
Well, i might have gone to see it this weekend – but i’ve just remembered that Kingsman opens tomorrow … so that’s gonna be my movie-going for the week.
Manfred Rosenbaum is a friend of mine. He is living in Tel Aviv and a cousin of your father Gunter. They emailed with each other. Manfred is worried because he can’t get in touch anymore by email with your father and he wants to know what happened with your father. Please answer him or me to inform him. Manfred should appreciate an address or telephone number. Thanks a lot.
Have Manfred email me at padguy@aol.com.
PAD
This is a much better summary than 90% of the reviews I have seen. Sometimes the critics get it right. This time, they really botched it. Or decided in advance what the film would be.
It was really pretty and I can’t complain in the fact that it was a coherent plot line. But it was like they took a few seven year olds, loaded them up with sugar and wrote down everything that came out of their mouths.
And then there was a guy, and he’s half dog, and he has rocket boots, and then there are explosions, and the bad guys are lizards and they have wings and then explosions and they’re all wearing really cool outfits, and then a space wedding! And then explosions! And they crash into the space chapel and somehow no one dies and then explosions and he’s released out of the air lock and somehow doesn’t die and explosions!
It sure was pretty though, soooo pretty.
Thank you, Mr. David.
With the horrible reviews, I had written this film off. Then I read your recommendation, and I took my 18-year old son. We both needed a night out. We went looking for a fun time, and fun was definitely had.
The film had its flaws, but the visuals, world building, and sheer ambition were enjoyable. Thank you!
(I want to note hear that my daughter is re-reading Tigerheart for at least the fifth time. It is her all time favorite book–she buys a new copy and gives it to every friend she has as a present).
I quite enjoyed “Speed Racer”. It was a lot of very silly fun, a nice homage to a source that was itself quite silly (intentionally or not – I was never entirely sure).
But if you’re presenting yourself as a sci-fi movie, and part of your plot is based around something we know about in the real world, you should at least skim a Wikipedia article on the topic. I couldn’t watch “Lucy” because the plot revolved around a silly ’70s claim about “90% of your brain is unused”; I can’t watch “Jupiter Ascending” because from the very first commercial, they made it plain that they didn’t have any clue what DNA was, what it did, or how we can observe the DNA of various creatures on Earth and know that yes, we DID evolve here. If you want to propose alien interference with the process, fine – but don’t try to tell me that humans aren’t originally from Earth. Not if you’re writing any time after about 1960 or so.
Please…tell me that you didn’t say that you decided against seeing this based on the commercials.
Why not? The job of the commercial is to sell me on the product. The commercials for this thing convinced me that I would regret spending ten bucks to see it – especially the repeated tagline about humans not being from Earth.
Why should I waste my money to go see a movie I don’t like, just because there’s a lot of visual spectacle? There’s a lot of it in the Matrix movies too, and I already have those on DVD.
Personally, I hated the movie myself. It was too dour to be “so-bad its good” ala Flash Gordon or Dune, not good enough to stand on its own merits. Plus, scores of little things – Jupiter having all the free will of a lamp, her needing to be rescued by Channing Tatum every fifteen minutes, the on-the-nose anti-capitalist message, the acting and dialogue… in short, it wasn’t my cup of tea.
Still, part of the joy in movies is everyone can take away something different from them. Glad you found something to enjoy from Jupiter Ascending!