Originally published May 17, 2002, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1487
Every so often, for no discernible reason, I get song parody notions in my head. And when that happens, my only choice is to write them down. Here are two recent ones cause, y’know… why not?
“THE SCORPION KING”
(set to “The Pirate King” from Pirates of Penzance)
Oh, better far to live and die
As a three-ton bug in CGI
Than spend my life with an eyebrow raised
While wrestling fans get completely crazed.
Then Mummy Returns made a pile of dough
The studio wants a sequel, so
I’m finally out of the wrestling ring
Because I’ve become
The Scorp…
…ion…
King
Foooooorrrrrrr…
I am the Scorpion King.
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King
I am the Scorpion King
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King
It is! Hurrah for the Scorpion King!
Hurrah for the Scorpion King!
I stand around and I flex each pec
Because the script is a total wreck.
My screen debut was a bit absurd
Since I did not speak a single word.
But when you’re known as a wrestling god
The fans spaz out at your slightest nod.
So acting lessons don’t mean a thing
When you get to be
The Scorp… ion… king
Foooorrrrrr
I am the Scorpion King
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King
I am the Scorpion King
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King
It is! Hurrah for the Scorpion King!
Hurrah for the Scorpion King!
I slaughter enemies left and right
And keep my buns looking nice and tight.
I pound opponents, I snarl and hiss
I can’t believe I get paid for this.
The women want me; the men, they quake
My death last time was a big mistake.
‘Cause I’m a franchise, ka-ching, ka-ching
The number one film
Is “Scorpion King”
Foooorrrrrr
I am the Scorpion King
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King
I am the Scorpion King
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King
It is! Hurrah for the Scorpion King!
Hurrah for the Scorpion King!
Now Andre showed off his gentle side
When he played Fezzik in Princess Bride
And Peter Parker fights “Macho Man”
Who does whatever a Macho can
And Hulk and Jesse, they had their shot
Their film endeavors were not too hot
But I will swear by this sword I swing
I’ll keep kicking butt
As Scorp…
…ion…
King
Foooorrrrrr
I am the Scorpion King
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King
I am the Scorpion King
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Scorpion King
It is! Hurrah for the Scorpion King!
Hurrah for the Scorpion King!
* * *
“OY, IT’S THE BORG”
(to the tune of “Joy to the World” by Hoyt Axton)
Jeri Ryan was a Borg Girl
Was a Borg girl of mine
She wore a black catsuit and a Wonder Bra
And they called her Seven of Nine
And she always was a mighty fine Nine
Oy, it’s the Borg
All the Borg and girls
Uh-similating everything they see
Borg are you and me.
I wish I was the Queen of the Borg
Tell you what I’d do
I’d get rid of Picard, Data and Jane-uh-way
And I’d make sweet love to Q.
Said, I’d make sweet love to Q.
Oy, it’s the Borg
All the Borg and girls
Uh-similating everything they see
Borg are you and me.
Resistance is so futile
In everything they do.
When their cube goes flying
All the folks start dying
Watch out kids, they’re coming for you
I said to watch out, they’re coming for you.
Oy, it’s the Borg
All the Borg and girls
Uh-similating everything they see
Borg to you and me
(Peter David can be written to at Second Age, Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705. Song requests will be taken.)
This may be the last BID column posted for a while. We’ve reached a large gap in the archives of But I Digress manuscripts. Stay tuned.