Jan. 25, 1991
10) The walls bleed.
9) A doorway to Hell opens up in your basement.
Your cat looks at you with glowing eyes and says, “Hey, I got your Tender Vittles right here, pal.”
7) The skeletons in your closet ask for more hangers.
6) Your living room furniture rearranges itself– and looks better than the way you had it.
5) The only station your cable box picks up is Channel 666.
4) You’re getting junk mail addressed to “Mrs. Muir or Current Occupant.”
3) The eyes in your painting move– from room to room.
2) You open the refrigerator, and a sepulchral voice intones, “Zuul can’t be here to take your call; please leave message when you hear the tone.”
And the Number One way you know your house is haunted (drum roll):
1) An evil hypnotic lawn jockey does rap numbers in your front yard.
i love #2.
11) Patrick Swayze roams the halls.
12) Everytime Haley Joel Osment passes by, he scurries past your house much faster than all the others.
13) Someone whose voice you don’t recognize keeps leaving messages on your machine for someone named “Carol Anne.”
14) The house shakes every time you come home from the supermarket with canned pea soup.
15) Every time the episode of Gilligan’s Island where he sees a ghost comes on, you can hear voices all around you saying, “Nah, that’s not how it works.”
16) Whenever you stick a tape into the VCR, all you see is this glowing white ring on the screen.
17. Your dog explodes.
18. A member of your family tends to spend most of the night wandering through the halls with an axe, giggling.
19. Your toaster barks.
20. Your kids make a small fortune charging the tourists who drop by to see the faces that keep forming in your linoleum.
21. Every time you take a shower, you hear violin screeching.
22. Your daughter runs in talking about her new imaginary friend, Captain Howdy.
23. And he wants her to stay forever… and ever… and ever…
24. Your ceramic Peanuts figurines bleed sour milk
25. When you throw a frisbee, it goes a few feet, stops, hovers in midair an hour or so, then drops to Earth in a ‘falling leaf’ pattern.
26. People in black clothes and white masks keep coming downstairs and asking where you keep the knives
27. You plant tulips and get Venus flytraps.
28. Your exterminator tells you you’ve got a pterodactyl infestation.
29. Every time you go up the stairs, you hear organ music.
30. You can’t get the table to stop dancing.
31. “ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY” written in magnetic letters on your fridge 100 times.
32. Strange green glow in the crack under doors after you turn the light off.
33. You hear dogs barking outside and when you go to investigate, you find a French Poodle tied between two posts in your backyard as a sacrifice.
34. You suddenly find yourself speaking Latin.
35. You find carved on the back of the closet door ‘Charlie + Squeaky 4-Ever.’
36. You find a hidden storage room stuffed with headless groundhog corpses.
37. Whenever you spill anything, the stain forms an inverted pentagram.
38. Some guy named Fox Mulder wants to rent your basement apartment.
39. Real estate agent assures you they moved all the bodies from the Indian burial ground to a new location.
40. You live next door to Stephen King.
41. Ketchup spells out the word “REDRUM” every time you open the fridge.
42. Your kids’ new friend: Casper
43. Harold Ramis keeps staking out your home for ideas to use in Ghostbusters III.
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